What we used to do, but we can't do anymore? Why?

You bring up a lot of interesting points here and hopefully I can answer your holiday query, as there are only 19 shopping days left.

To start, I admire your "can't do" attitude, lot of positive people out there are ruining things for the frowners and cynics. I'm not a fan of smiles and I'm not a fan of Bobby McFerrin.

As for the "why" in that sentence, let me tackle this portion of the problem and drive it's smiling face into a reinforced curb.


* 2 pounds of potatoes
* 1 teaspoon of salt
* 1 cup of half and half (half milk & half cream)
* 6 sticks of butter
* Salt and pepper, to taste

Peel and quarter the potatoes using a rusty and dull knife. Drop potato pieces into garbage disposal and dispose. Rub salt into any cuts or scratches you may have sustained during the peel session. Record and release as an EP.

Place half and half into a balloon, tie off and place in your bicycle's basket. Leave it to mature in the hot sun for now, we'll get back to that ingredient shortly.

Create butter skates (attach butter sticks to your feet), and secure: cut the cords from all of the appliances in your house, and strip the rubber from the wire. Dispose of the wire and now useless appliances. melt rubber by heating it in a child's swimming pool on your stove. the pool should not be the inflatable kind (i know, i know, a no-brainer here but you neeever know) but the heavy plastic kind. the rubber will catch fire, this is normal. allow the mixture of melting rubber and plastic to cover and cake your stove. after it cools, remove 4 two foot strips (about 5 inches wide) and use as butter skate straps.

skate out to your bike. remove butter skates and rub remaining butter onto your scalp. ride in a circle on your bike for 10-12 minutes, allowing the half and half solution to mix and putridfy in the sun. untie the balloon and pour the solution onto your face.

That's what we used to do.