What are the months that are included in Fertile Crescent?

Hi Lisa,

I believe you meant to ask "What are the moths that are included in THE Fertile Crescent", but I'll let that article-slip, slide.

The good thing about this question is that it's pretty easy to answer. We can take a look at the root of our existence and trace it back to a moth that existed in the fertile crescent nearly 1 billion years ago. It's been theorizing by mothologists (or mythologists as they are currently referred to) that this winged creature ruled the skies as recently as last week.

I feel that the best way to understand your reason for being would be to study this moth (the mouth moth is it's scientific name, as it does not have a mouth) in person. i've included instructions on how to catch the mouth moth. I'd recommend this process be done in mid-summer. And as a preface... you'll need to discard absolutely everything in your kitchen... pots, pans, magnets, bowls, salad shredders, bacon bits, mouse traps, moon boots, moon men, iced animal crackers. everything.

1. Walk down to your local supermarket and pick up a variety pack of dried moths. Don't worry, these little guys can go MONTHS without spoiling.

2. Remove the door from your refrigerator.

3. Collect all of the lightbulbs from your house and place in a glass mason jar. Don't forget to cut air holes in the lid. The refrigerator will now assume the position of "main light source". that's a job it was built for. the whole preservation thing is gravy.

4. Nail all of your kitchen cabinets shut.

5. Using a concoction of turpentine, the interior of four goose down pillows, purple oil paint, guano, diet pepsi (dad's root beer can be substituted in a pinch) and air - create a new skin layer on your body. this will confuse the mouth moth into believing you are night time.

6. using a tack hammer, smash a hole through each of your cabinet doors.

7. reapply night time skin, some probably fell off due to sweat secretions.

8. delicately place your lightbulbs (you did punch air holes in the lid of that mason jar, right?) one at a time, into each of your kitchen cabinets.

9. read Tolstoy's "War and Peace". it is important at this time that you stop moving. i'd have an electrical stimulator inserted into your chest to keep your heart going as needed, but let the doctors now what you're doing and they'll understand why you need to have your heart stopped. i'm assuming that if you show up at the hospital with your night time skin on, they won't bother you with questions. brain activity should already be at a minimum due to the turpentine fumes.

10. the lightbulb caverns your have created will begin to attract mouth moths and you will be able to see them in a natural habitat. moths love lightbulbs.

11. reapply night time skin.

12. as the food in your refrigerator begins to rot, spread it onto all surfaces of your kitchen using jedi mind tricks or mirrored illusions. the moths will think it's trash night and not panic. again, make sure your night time skin is heavily applied and that you are not moving a muscle.

13. that's just about it! you have now seen the fertile crescent mouth moth and you can throw those dried moths out whenever.