What is this lump on my kitty's ear?

My kitty has a lump on her ear. It is quite big, and I just noticed it last night. It is not hard, it feels soft, like there is liquid or something inside it. She is an indoor kitty so I don't know what it could be. My grand-daughter said it may just have to be lanced by my vet, but I don't want her to be traumatized. What could this lump be and how can I help my beloved kitty?


Martha,

Thank you so much for your question. Kitties are an important part of everyone's lives and need to be treated with a numinous respect.

This lump on your kitties ear is it an off white color with some other-colored spots on it? Yes? Well, in this case this lump is most likely your kitties' life-essence. While difficult to remove, it is not impossible, and I think I'll be able to talk you through it.

First gather together the following items.

a monkey wrench
2 inflatable water wings
a Menorah made from reinforced steel
a Michael Jackson style "glitter glove" or equivalent
a stick of anti-perspirant
a miniature tape recorder

a long laundry list I know, however you should have these items laying around the house.

OK I'm going to jump right into this because I'm not sure how much time we have here.

First, inflate the water wings. Blow them to full capacity and more if possible. this should give a nice firm resistance from a well placed clinch between the index and dorsal fingers. now flip the water wings upside down, and shove one onto your cats front legs and on onto the back legs. This will accomplish 2 things. Your cat will not be able to scratch you when you tighten the monkey wrench onto it's tongue, and it will elevate the cat off the ground a bit, unless your cat has exceptionally long legs (in this case wear suspenders).

Next, tighten the monkey wrench down onto your cats extended tongue. You'll be toggling this later to get the most clear air expulsion from deep within the kitties' lungs.

Wearing the "glitter glove" light the candles of the menorah. have a helper hold the cat's belly over the flames. just close enough to notice the cat becoming uncomfortable. We don;t want to burn the poor dear, just get their life-essence "talking".

Now you will have to take the anti-perspirant and begin applying it to the cats face all the way down the spine. You'll want a thick coating, enough to mat down the hair.

As you notice the anti-perspirant begin to melt (your cat will begin to sweat what we call it's injected nebular onto it's epidermis) you will be able to begin toggling the tongue expressant, to get some good "talking" out of the cat's life essence.

Here is where you will want to start the tape.

Record at least 4 and half hours of the "talking"

Next you must take this tape to someone knowledgeable in recording tapes to backwards tapes. what is happening here is you are essentially recording your cat's backwards life essence backwards in reverse therefore giving you a full sized tape of the same sounds your recorded, only with all of the room-noise removed.

Take the tape back to your cat and play it back in reverse. You will hear some very strange sounds, in fact it will sound a lot like human voices.. If you listen closely you will be able to make out some special life lessons and songs that your cat wants to share with you.

Upon completion of the tape, your cats life essence will have canceled itself out, rendering the lump invisible (only still visible in the 6th dimension) and your cat deceased.

Hope you get that lump taken care of, do it soon or your cat won;t make it much longer.

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