How do I get a cork out of my rear?
I fell on a wine bottle, it went up my butt.(it hurt this is not funny) Now the cork is stuck up there. What do I do?
Answer
I see you are in quite a predicament. As this could become potentially harmful if not taken care of soon, I will type swiftly.
First things first. In order to remove something we must first understand it. Let's get started.
The word CORK originated from the Latin Quercus, which means any method of searching for oil based on a limited knowledge of wildcats. Quercus, or modern day Cork, is mainly harvested from the year 1965 when conditions for developing a kind of super-cork were at a 100 year peak. Let's hope the bottle containing the cork you fell on is NOT from the year 1965. If this is the case, it will be discussed later.
Now that we are familiar with Cork, let us put the fact that you fell on the bottle "behind" us, and get to the removal process.
Material List:
1 Wine glass
1 Uncoated Corrugated Cardboard box
3 dead watch batteries
1 copy of An Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook ( this is VERY IMPORTANT, THIS PROCESS WILL NOT WORK IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS BOOK!)
and 1 8oz bottle of whiteout.
First, break off the top 5 inches of the wine bottle, Take the bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. No reason to waste good wine right?
Now take the remaining bottle with your left hand, the whiteout with your right hand and the three dead watch batteries with you daft hand and set the bottle on the cardboard box. Begin covering the label of the bottle with white out until it's ridiculing stares are covered by layer after layer of liquid white justice.
While it dries to a snowy white sheen we can start on step two. Take the Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook and begin reading it furiously out loud. This step works particularly well if you are in a heavily trafficked area, such as a shopping mall, or Germany. In any case, it is a well known fact that Cork is allergic to Probability and Random Processes. It will begin to work loose, you will feel it losing its grip, desperately trying to deny the absolute truth of Probability and Random Processes. Unless, it is super-cork from 1965. Oh no? Is it? We forgot to look at that darn label before layering its filthy glares with 8 ounces of white out!
Ok, go back to the freshly coated, extremely white broken half empty wine bottle. Carefully scratch back layer after layer with the dead watch batteries until you see the date. Once the date is seen, all should be well.
Hope this helps!!!
Regards.
Link to question
Answer
I see you are in quite a predicament. As this could become potentially harmful if not taken care of soon, I will type swiftly.
First things first. In order to remove something we must first understand it. Let's get started.
The word CORK originated from the Latin Quercus, which means any method of searching for oil based on a limited knowledge of wildcats. Quercus, or modern day Cork, is mainly harvested from the year 1965 when conditions for developing a kind of super-cork were at a 100 year peak. Let's hope the bottle containing the cork you fell on is NOT from the year 1965. If this is the case, it will be discussed later.
Now that we are familiar with Cork, let us put the fact that you fell on the bottle "behind" us, and get to the removal process.
Material List:
1 Wine glass
1 Uncoated Corrugated Cardboard box
3 dead watch batteries
1 copy of An Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook ( this is VERY IMPORTANT, THIS PROCESS WILL NOT WORK IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS BOOK!)
and 1 8oz bottle of whiteout.
First, break off the top 5 inches of the wine bottle, Take the bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. No reason to waste good wine right?
Now take the remaining bottle with your left hand, the whiteout with your right hand and the three dead watch batteries with you daft hand and set the bottle on the cardboard box. Begin covering the label of the bottle with white out until it's ridiculing stares are covered by layer after layer of liquid white justice.
While it dries to a snowy white sheen we can start on step two. Take the Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook and begin reading it furiously out loud. This step works particularly well if you are in a heavily trafficked area, such as a shopping mall, or Germany. In any case, it is a well known fact that Cork is allergic to Probability and Random Processes. It will begin to work loose, you will feel it losing its grip, desperately trying to deny the absolute truth of Probability and Random Processes. Unless, it is super-cork from 1965. Oh no? Is it? We forgot to look at that darn label before layering its filthy glares with 8 ounces of white out!
Ok, go back to the freshly coated, extremely white broken half empty wine bottle. Carefully scratch back layer after layer with the dead watch batteries until you see the date. Once the date is seen, all should be well.
Hope this helps!!!
Regards.
Link to question
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