I've often looked at my reflection in the mirror while asking myself: "what did you forget to do today thaddeus?". i never answer because my name is not thaddeus. however, i will answer you.
to start, i forgot to let my clothes soak in vinegar. i often forget to remember the simplest things. next thing you know, you're fifteen minutes late for work and this plastic bag filled with gold spray paint is dry already. now i'm four hours late for work and every time my neighbor runs his microwave, i drop to all fours and fill my drawers with something that smells much worse than vinegar.
but i digest.
now to get that smell out of your wood, pick a pack of pickled peppers from your local apothecary. dress them up like tiny ballerinas. there should be a goblin manning the register, let them sit and dance on his stool (he won't mind, he hates sitting and if i know a goblin [i do] he probably hates you as well) while you quickly pick a pack of your rearend over to the hardware store.
buy a propane torch and screwdriver. in the parking lot, melt off the handle of the screwdriver and get that metal portion pliable. don't wear any sort of gloves as the metal will be sticky. form a circle out of the screwdriver shaft, place in pocket and leg it back to the apothecary.
good, you made it. the peppers will have tired themselves out enough to be coaxed into your coat pocket. head home.
take the old wood you have in your home and place it out of doors using the drywall method (you must pass it through solid drywall in order to get it fully out of your house, not following this technique could allow ghost residue to form on your outer conundrum, that is to say your essence of being as the duke of essex.
take an axe to your pieces of wood. get them into a more manageable splinter size. you'll now need to create a dragonfly statue out of the splinters. glue is not an option.
once complete, the wingspan should be 10 to 100 feet in width. douse with vinegar and that juice that forms when horseradish sits too long and maybe some old apple juice that you left out in the sun for six months. now, begin to rub gasoline (petrol) onto the dragonfly's joints and arteries to get his juices flowing (flaming). as soon as he begins to flap his wings, set the screwdriver halo on his head and watch as he spontaneously combusts. the screams of agony may be the ghosts leaving his body but there's a good chance that you have a 1/8 acre city lot and the once not burning wings of the dragonfly had expanded through the window of a neighbor's home. don't worry, i don't think splinter mache is a crime in any city.
as said dragonfly burns, a series of runes will appear on his upper appendage. they will be written in either runes or something else you don't understand. write them down and commit them to memory using this hardly handy phonetic device:
a word is a bird is a thing.
a song is a crow is a piece of dirt in my slipper.
all dogs eat grass.
my sister spat six pennies at a penniless homeless.
soup kitchen, mister refrigerator.
i have a blood blister.
my last eyeball was a soccer dream of distant underground urinals.
now translate the runes into coptic while using an eyedropper to fill your tear ducts with vinegar. as you begin to cry, catch your vinegar tears on a piece of bread. as the bread become soggy, mush it into the dragonfly fire ash and then form it into a glove ( a little something i like to call the old vinegar and bread trick). using your carbon fiber glove, grab your tongue and recite the runes in coptic using that handy phonetic device i mentioned earlier.
i think this may be a good start.
and no, you win. i have no idea what you're trying to do.
to start, i forgot to let my clothes soak in vinegar. i often forget to remember the simplest things. next thing you know, you're fifteen minutes late for work and this plastic bag filled with gold spray paint is dry already. now i'm four hours late for work and every time my neighbor runs his microwave, i drop to all fours and fill my drawers with something that smells much worse than vinegar.
but i digest.
now to get that smell out of your wood, pick a pack of pickled peppers from your local apothecary. dress them up like tiny ballerinas. there should be a goblin manning the register, let them sit and dance on his stool (he won't mind, he hates sitting and if i know a goblin [i do] he probably hates you as well) while you quickly pick a pack of your rearend over to the hardware store.
buy a propane torch and screwdriver. in the parking lot, melt off the handle of the screwdriver and get that metal portion pliable. don't wear any sort of gloves as the metal will be sticky. form a circle out of the screwdriver shaft, place in pocket and leg it back to the apothecary.
good, you made it. the peppers will have tired themselves out enough to be coaxed into your coat pocket. head home.
take the old wood you have in your home and place it out of doors using the drywall method (you must pass it through solid drywall in order to get it fully out of your house, not following this technique could allow ghost residue to form on your outer conundrum, that is to say your essence of being as the duke of essex.
take an axe to your pieces of wood. get them into a more manageable splinter size. you'll now need to create a dragonfly statue out of the splinters. glue is not an option.
once complete, the wingspan should be 10 to 100 feet in width. douse with vinegar and that juice that forms when horseradish sits too long and maybe some old apple juice that you left out in the sun for six months. now, begin to rub gasoline (petrol) onto the dragonfly's joints and arteries to get his juices flowing (flaming). as soon as he begins to flap his wings, set the screwdriver halo on his head and watch as he spontaneously combusts. the screams of agony may be the ghosts leaving his body but there's a good chance that you have a 1/8 acre city lot and the once not burning wings of the dragonfly had expanded through the window of a neighbor's home. don't worry, i don't think splinter mache is a crime in any city.
as said dragonfly burns, a series of runes will appear on his upper appendage. they will be written in either runes or something else you don't understand. write them down and commit them to memory using this hardly handy phonetic device:
a word is a bird is a thing.
a song is a crow is a piece of dirt in my slipper.
all dogs eat grass.
my sister spat six pennies at a penniless homeless.
soup kitchen, mister refrigerator.
i have a blood blister.
my last eyeball was a soccer dream of distant underground urinals.
now translate the runes into coptic while using an eyedropper to fill your tear ducts with vinegar. as you begin to cry, catch your vinegar tears on a piece of bread. as the bread become soggy, mush it into the dragonfly fire ash and then form it into a glove ( a little something i like to call the old vinegar and bread trick). using your carbon fiber glove, grab your tongue and recite the runes in coptic using that handy phonetic device i mentioned earlier.
i think this may be a good start.
and no, you win. i have no idea what you're trying to do.
Source(s):
a dragonfly bit that piece of skin between my thumb and forefinger about 17 years ago. he may have escaped but his ghost won't.
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