Please feel free to sit down, this is going to take a little bit of explaining, but I think in the end you'll be happy with the results. The key here is to keep an open mind.
First of all, I find it vaguely egocentric of you to need props from the movie Carrie. You kids and your "street language" back in my day everyone wanted "mad props" from movies like "Nosferatu" and "My Little Ponies" now it is all about Carrie this and Carrie that...but I guess it is just a sign of the changing times...and I'm off subject.
The first thing you will need to do is find no less than 7 elderly men playing checkers. It can be more than that, but you'll need them to be an odd number so if you have 8 of them, throw some cupcakes and whoever is still limber enough to pick them up can stay behind. I hope you're writing this down, I hate repeating myself.
Step two is to take the men to the bait and tackle shop...they will need to know how to imitate a large mouth bass so please warn then up front so they can pratice. Once inside find the nearest set of leftover "Thriller" albums and shuffle through them until you are looking at the 3rd from the bottom of the stack. At this point the old men should be giving each other pats on the back for being so good at imitating bass...let them have their fun.
This step is very important: do NOT play the "Thriller" album! Instead you'll need to sing to it gently. It really doesn't matter what you sing, but you do need to sound a little seductive or at least sound close enough to seductive as to lull the album into a false sense of security. As the LP falls slowly in love with you, find it's weakness and exploit it. You'll have to move quickly, those old men won't fool anyone for long!
Now the album will tell you the location of "the key". Once that happens tell the album that you really think of it more like a brother and that you want to see other people. Don't let those tears fool you, the album has been cheating on you all along with Richard Simmon's Sweatin' to the Oldies.
Now run, run like there are several cranky old men after you. At this point there probably will be because the old men don't like to be left standing there looking like large mouth bass when they could've eaten the muffins you gave to Mr.McHipReplacement.
The crowd of enraged geriatrics will serve as proper cover for you to sneak into the secret location and steal "the key". It looks vaguely like the mole on David Hasslehoff's left man ankle. Grab it quickly and stuff it into your pants. You can now throw any muffins you have at the elderly men and let them go on their merry way. You may hand out your phone number though in case you are putting on that stage version of the Discovery Channel's coverage of large mouth bass in lower Manhattan.
Place the key into the sacred door located in the paint aisle of most hardware stores. Look behind "Fuchsia Sunrise" or "Chartreuse Daydream". Now walk inside the door and there will be your maiden. Walk up to the movie Carrie and say the magic word...usually something like "look I made it!"
You'll get mad props for sure.
First of all, I find it vaguely egocentric of you to need props from the movie Carrie. You kids and your "street language" back in my day everyone wanted "mad props" from movies like "Nosferatu" and "My Little Ponies" now it is all about Carrie this and Carrie that...but I guess it is just a sign of the changing times...and I'm off subject.
The first thing you will need to do is find no less than 7 elderly men playing checkers. It can be more than that, but you'll need them to be an odd number so if you have 8 of them, throw some cupcakes and whoever is still limber enough to pick them up can stay behind. I hope you're writing this down, I hate repeating myself.
Step two is to take the men to the bait and tackle shop...they will need to know how to imitate a large mouth bass so please warn then up front so they can pratice. Once inside find the nearest set of leftover "Thriller" albums and shuffle through them until you are looking at the 3rd from the bottom of the stack. At this point the old men should be giving each other pats on the back for being so good at imitating bass...let them have their fun.
This step is very important: do NOT play the "Thriller" album! Instead you'll need to sing to it gently. It really doesn't matter what you sing, but you do need to sound a little seductive or at least sound close enough to seductive as to lull the album into a false sense of security. As the LP falls slowly in love with you, find it's weakness and exploit it. You'll have to move quickly, those old men won't fool anyone for long!
Now the album will tell you the location of "the key". Once that happens tell the album that you really think of it more like a brother and that you want to see other people. Don't let those tears fool you, the album has been cheating on you all along with Richard Simmon's Sweatin' to the Oldies.
Now run, run like there are several cranky old men after you. At this point there probably will be because the old men don't like to be left standing there looking like large mouth bass when they could've eaten the muffins you gave to Mr.McHipReplacement.
The crowd of enraged geriatrics will serve as proper cover for you to sneak into the secret location and steal "the key". It looks vaguely like the mole on David Hasslehoff's left man ankle. Grab it quickly and stuff it into your pants. You can now throw any muffins you have at the elderly men and let them go on their merry way. You may hand out your phone number though in case you are putting on that stage version of the Discovery Channel's coverage of large mouth bass in lower Manhattan.
Place the key into the sacred door located in the paint aisle of most hardware stores. Look behind "Fuchsia Sunrise" or "Chartreuse Daydream". Now walk inside the door and there will be your maiden. Walk up to the movie Carrie and say the magic word...usually something like "look I made it!"
You'll get mad props for sure.
Source(s):
gathered from the memoirs of several large mouth bass
1 comment:
Bravo T.
I think you're definitely a winker.
Right Faux?
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