1st Annual "Yahoodwinked" Answers Championship

the return of crubidoe

2011-08-29T18:26:00.001-04:00

how many twitters do we have?

#yahoodwinkedblogontheinternet.glov

How is reading the geologic record different from reading a book?

2010-01-27T16:52:00.001-05:00

I'm going to answer your question with a list. I'm doing this for two reasons.

1) They look nice.
2) They break large chunks or boulders of information down into not as large chunks.
3) They allow for prioritizing of important information based on a vertical idiom, in which the most important information resides at the upper strata and as we dig deeper into the lower strata, the information becomes less and less relevant.
4) This shouldn't be confused with the way the geologic record works, because in the geologic record as you dig deeper into the strata, things tend to get older and more interesting.
5) Rocks can be pointy.
6) I own 3 pairs of socks.

The reasons that reading the geologic record are different from reading a book are as follows:

1) The pages of the geologic record are reeeeeaaaallly heavy. I'm not sure if you have ever tried to turn a mountain or even a foothill before, but I have and I herniated things that I didn't even know existed. Did the mountain and/or foothill even budge? No way. There are better ways of turning the "pages" of the geologic record, but I can't divulge them to you.
2) No Page Numbers (that was an easy one)
3) To bookmark your place you have to basically explode all of the layers above the ones you want to stop reading at. Most people / governments frown on this, but they can't stop you if you get Geological Library card. You can apply for this at your local branch of the GL.
4) Technically, you never take it off the shelf. If you think of the planet Earth abstractly and imagine that it is actually "on" the bookshelves that are "on" it (this is easy to do if you're smart enough to free your mind of the laws of gravity) then you never "take it off" the shelf. If you wanted to it would mean launching your bookshelf past the gravitational pull of the earth.
5) footnotes vs. foothills
6) cliff notes vs. actual cliffs.
7) Books are often read in schools.
8) I put rocks in my underpants.
9) Neil Diamond will live forever.
10) Milkshakes are yummy.

Hope that helps!

Source(s):

Molten Lava at the Earth's Core

Jules Verne loved milkshakes too

Do you know where I could find a discounting table that has inflation (Escalating rate) in it as well?

2010-01-26T12:26:00.002-05:00

Discount rate 4% and under would prefer 3.5% discount rate.

Answer:

When looking for an inflatable discount table I usually start my search at local liquidation warehouses. I know that in name this sounds like a place where you would be looking for water filled discount tables but, trust me, this is a scheme developed by the inflatable table industry to try to fool you into paying a liquid or in some cases even a solid price for a gas filled table.

I think that it is completely abhorrent the way these table industries operate and really think there should be more government laws (liquid, gas or solid) placed on them to protect the consumer.

Ultimately it's not the government laws, but the very laws of nature that govern these tables. The government laws (as in Plato's allegory of the cave) are just the shadows cast on the walls by the true laws of Nature.

In nature, energy transfer is required to change any material from it's current state to any other physical state. Where does this energy come from when a gas filled table is purchased at the price of a solid or liquid filled table? Well, let me outline it for you...

Let's say you buy a table at a liquidation store that requires you to use air (gas) from your lungs to inflate. First off, you have wrongfully paid a liquid filled table cost for a table that is to be gas filled. Second, you are required to supply the gas to fill the table. They pay nothing for this energy exchange, and you aren't allowed to charge them for the energy you will have to supply. Seems like a solid racket to me.

To get around this, I find an inflatable table at a liquidation warehouse, I demand that they inflate the table for me at an escalating rate, so I can make sure they are filling it with air and not removing air from i.t (If they were to remove all of the air from the table this is governed by the vacuum laws, and is an entirely separate issue) I pay liquid price for an already inflated table and end up getting your desired 3.5% discount rate plus a second discount rate of 1.5% that I just made up. Because, let's face it, laws were made to be broken!

Source(s):

Mendeleev, mostly.

What's so noble about these gases?

Why is there a clicking in my jaw?

2008-11-26T23:05:00.002-05:00

Hello, in the past half hour, I have noticed a "clicking" noise has been coming from my jaw. It doesn't hurt or anything, it just clicks. I tried to see what it was on google but it kept on saying things about TMJ/TMD. I've read some things about it, but it doesn't seem like I have any of the symptoms. Does anyone know what this is? Thanks in advance

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Please check previous threads to avoid posting duplicate content: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Source(s):

WebMd.glov webmaster.

Free HMO

Sleep dentistry advice needed?

2008-11-23T19:38:00.001-05:00

Ok i have a phobia of dentist as you have probably gathered from my other questions. I am strongly considering sleep dentistry as an option to have all my fillings done and teeth whitened etc. Has anyone had sleep dentistry? Was it good? and can you give me a rough cost in Pounds for the UK please?

-----------------------

tally ho from across the pond.

i've been a practicing sleep dentist for about six lawsuits now, and i can probably give you a rough idea of how "enameled" (some dental humour [i used a "u" so you'd understand what i was saying]) you will be by the procedure.

fillings: i typically stay up for six-eight days before scheduling a filling... by the time i get you in the room, the cement mixer has backed up to the window and the ole concrete is halfway down the slide... i'll be out like a light but you would just need to hop in the chair and open your mouth... takes care of itself!

teeth whiting: the trick here is falling asleep without moving the belt sander, i've "shourtened" a few lip lines but after some practice it's definitely something i can do in my sleep. one note: you'll need to wake me up to change the paper grit! i'm not a light sleeper, sou you'll need to really hit me without bumping the sander off of your teeth. i typically stay awake for 17 days... this way, i'm almoust asleep before you even arrive... once the white noise of a belt sander starts up, i just make sure my weight (14 stone if you was woundering) is going to fall forward onto your front teeth and presto-chango I'm ASLEEP! it's tough to adjust pressure when you're one or two paces from absolute comatose, so i (and any good sleep dentist) has knocked out a few front teeth during this procedure... but trust me when i say that partials are a rich man's teeth.

the cost is usually less than a pound of enamel, often more than a pound of flesh and you'll lose two or three pounds in sweat... i call it the "sleep diet"!

Source(s):

"it's like someone took a tiny hammer and chiseled right through my tooth while using aluminum foil as an anesthetic." --that's a quote from a patient (i did the wourk in my SLEEP!)

What do the put on potatoes to prevent potatoes from growing eyes and going bad? ?

2008-11-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

it is a type of gas or spray , and they last from october until july

-----------------

i will answer quickly to avoid returning to the past time of time. i just disappeared... here i am!

when rudolph said " don't go growing any eyes" i think he meant that as a fraction. as usual, jimmy and squiggy put the damage on. they went bad.

here i am!

once i was lasting back in time. today was the year before and i saw my mother eating a potato made out of yams. she was a gas and i was the universe exploding on my elbow (in a pan).

did you... here i am!

it's the spraying that got me... now i'm all eyes... gone idaho, and not a drop to drink.

who here likes chocolate? i'm lasting from the past... hopefully this year it's from december to january and i'm a gas again. big bang!

here i am!

Source(s):

you wouldn't hit a guy with 75 pairs of glasses, would you?

(link)

Lazer tag? Im Alpharetta, Ga?

2008-10-13T17:27:00.000-04:00

where is a place in ALpharetta, Ga that has Lazer Tag!?

Hello small city on the state of Georgia. I know this whole process must be quite foreign to you, as I believe you are the first city to ever successfully 1) connect to the internet as a single entity, and 2) successfully create a yahoo account!

Congratulations! the boys in Washington will be so proud of you, however, do not be surprised if they end up running some kind of painful tests on you to try and determine from where this sentient behavior stems. More than likely they will run the half a lemon test, which I can tell you is excruciating to humans and therefore we'll assume to entire cities as well (I mean you are what you eat, and just to make this clear I'll use an analogy, where you fill in the blank. Humans are to small ant cities what human cities are to _________ right... humans.)

O.K. so the problem here is that you are looking for some form of laser tagging system within your own self. A "place" that has one, to be specific.

I think to help you I may need to carry our Humans / Small Cities of Ants analogy a little further.

I named my ant city "Fargo, North Dacloset" because I think that's cute. Also, most of the ant sized costumes I had were for cold climates and I didn't want the ants to swelter in the Georgia heat. Also, the city is in my closet, I think even on the Northern side of it, but it's really skinny so it is hard to tell.

o.k. so, on a normal day in Fargo I will get up and walk into my closet and shake the ant "farm" case really hard, just to make sure they have something to do the rest of the day. I then spend the next few hours dressing them in new work uniforms and trying to glue them into place in the areas I think they will look the best for other ants that might decide to visit our fine city for a bout of tourism or a local festival (the spring catillion is nice).

There are no farmer costumes I repeat, NO FARMER costumes, and I resent the ones who name these apparatus. I scratch off the "farm" part, and break off the little silos (they are fake by the way, just warning you, just like everything else that they package in)

After getting the town set up for another day (it's exhausting, so I can see why you are turning to the internet for some kind of respite) I let the little ants try to survive, while pouring water all over them (you might think of it as your rain), scorching them with the sun (this is the actual sun, I couldn't find an analogy for that), and also unleash Mr. finger on them, which would probably be best likened to your Mayor.

I figured that to best help you with this question, that I would try finding the Laser Tag inside of the city of Fargo, and then it would probably be the same place that the one exists inside of you.

I started by gluing the ant "farm" to my own face. This was fine until by no small accident the lid was removed. I could see all of the costumed ants starting to wiggle free from their glue bonds, but my glue bonds had begun to set up completely.

I then felt that our analogy (you being a city that had eaten the humans inside of it, then contacting those humans by means of their technology, or your own brain waves) was close enough, and so I began trying to get an account to use the ant internet. however, after posting a question to the human internet about how I should best set up this analogy and finally getting an answer, I realized that I had sold myself short and needed to take it "all the way" so to speak.

I dumped all of the ant people and sand out onto a plate and began licking them up. I removed some of the construction workers helmets first as I thought they might be tough to choke down, and I figured there would be stores inside of me for them to buy new helmets from.

All in all everything went down well, and I was really starting to feel how you must feel. I became the ant city!!!

I started to concentrate on my own brain waves and after a few weeks of meditation was able to get onto the ant internet and even sign up for ant yahoo. I posted the question about Laser Tag, and then things started to get really weird...

You may have actually noticed yourself, and I'm sure Georgia, has noticed one level up on the Georgian cities internet, and then North America has noticed on the States internet etc. etc.

But the ants ended up doing the same thing the other way on the spectrum eating a city of molecules and posting the Laser Tag question on their internet, and so on and so forth.

We've created an infinite posting of this question that stretches to the the internet that exists where absolutely nothing exists, and also to the internet of the Creator of all things. We must somehow transcend what we have created, to find the answer, but then will we really need it?

Source(s):

The source of all things, and also of nothing.

an advise pliz.is piglet a weired nickname? i think it's not.?

2008-07-03T23:41:00.001-04:00

By all means, call your weir Piglet. Some call their weir Matt or Crump but they are just being common and predictable.

But I have to ask.. How did you acquire your weir?

Are you a hydrologist by chance?

How fascinating. Flood risk assessment and damming must make you feel quite god-like.

So, just a few questions for the budding hydrologist…

Do I need to build that boat?
If so, I only have one cat, should I find it a mate?
And, I’m allergic to doves, how will I know when to dock my boat?

Not a hydrologist?

Do you just have a passing interest in rivers?
I know discussions of ‘rate of flow’ and ‘lock availability’ have been known to turn a head or two.

Or do you just hate fish? I mean, who doesn’t know that weirs can halt migrating fish?
And I know you must find it as amusing as I do to watch the fish try and climb those ladders.

No matter how you became interested in weirs, you should know, name choice is not a concern. Sharp crested, proportional, piglet… It’s all the same in the weired world.

Source(s): 'Weir'ed universe

Question about after 35 pregnancies...?

2008-06-28T15:14:00.001-04:00

So, they say that the risks of pregnancy (especially for Down Syndrome) are much greater after the age of 35.

My question is this... Is that only for first-time moms, or does the research support the same findings for people who already have kids?

First off, I just want to commend you. Your first Question was labeled "Question", wasn't a question at all and ended in ellipses points. This is the kind of thing that keeps people guessing.

Second, you wait until after making another statement attributed to the ever-elusive "them" before finally asking your actual question. I can see how you have had the patients (pashenz?) to raise 35 children. Some of us however have lives to get back to so let's talk about this and move on.

I don't really think it matters what age you actually are, I did the math and figured out that if you have 35 children you have to be at least 315 years old, so... let's just assume that you are and leave it at that. I would imagine you are probably a little older, but you know what "they" say after 300; who's counting?

O.k. so now that we have that all important fact out of the way, let's move on to answering your question. You stated that your question was this:

"Is that only for first-time moms, or does the research support the same findings for people who already have kids?"

My answer is this:

That is a pronoun, used to indicate a person, thing, idea, state, event, time, remark, etc., as pointed out or present, mentioned before, supposed to be understood, or by way of emphasis.

Does that help at all? They seem to think it does.

Source(s): I have been re-born around 35 times.

push em out, push em out, way out.

My ipod got a little wet?

2008-06-27T22:41:00.001-04:00

Here's what happened... I was watering some flowers in above 90 degree weather listening to my ipod. I sprayed some water on myself (not a lot) and then figured I shouldn't let my ipod get wet. It worked for about 1 minute then turned off. What do I do now?

There are a couple of things to do.

First… Go dry off. Right now. You’ll catch a chill and with your Ipod not working you don’t want to be laid up in bed with no tunes. And if you have no tunes you’ll be stuck watching daytime soap operas or children’s shows. If that happens, keep an eye out for the pool boy on that one show. He’s his sister’s nephew’s best friend’s uncles ex butler. And he has a candlestick in the parlour.

Once you recover from your chill episode… Quit watering the flowers. They get dependant on this ‘water’ and next thing you know, it’s a full blown habit. Trust me, stop now. They’ll thank you for it in the long run.

And as for this accidental watering of yourself... Tsk tsk. That’s how that water gets you hooked. First a sip, then an ‘accidental’ spray, then full fledged frolicking in the garden. Soon you’ll be wallowing in Jacuzzi’s and sipping designer water from some place in France. Break the cycle. You can do it. I have every faith in you.

Third. Well. What do you do now? I’d have to suggest, turning the Ipod back on.

You’ll never know if it works unless you do this. Go on. Try it. Just make sure it’s not in sleep mode. Nothing likes to be disturbed while it’s in sleep mode. It could be dreaming of the pool boy… In that one show.

Source(s):

That one show

How do I tell if I have a food pest infestaiont?

2008-05-23T16:48:00.000-04:00

I am packing to move and had two moths fly out of one of the boxes. I caught one but the other escaped me. They were both small moths, about the size of my baby finger nail. What steps should I take to prevent an infestation???

I'm glad to see you caught one of the moths. Trying to pack those moths is like trying to herd cats, isn't it? But thats the joy of owning moths. If you owned ladybugs, well thats a different kettle of fish. And when fish escape... wowee, not a pretty sight at all. All that flopping around? Exhausting I tell you. Last time my fish escaped I swear I pulled my back out trying to flop around and convince the fish to hop back in its bowl and quit playing silly buggers. But I digress... and if I continue to digress you'll lose that poor moth.
Okay, Moth catching 101.

If you are still packing, thats great. Moths love packing peanuts. Just scatter the packing peanuts around along with empty boxes and the missing moth will return in approximately 15 minutes. Maybe 35 minutes if the peanuts are green. The green packing peanuts confuse the moth and it may instead look for a syrofoam cup. Bubble paper is good to have on hand too. Popping those bubbles is a fabulous way to pass the time while waiting for the moth to come back. And with all the bubbles popped you can fit more glassware in the cardboard box. The bubbles always take up so much room and we all know that the more you can cram into a cardboard box, the less time it takes to move.

If you are done packing, don't worry, you just need to unpack one box. No, not the one that held the flattened bubbles and the glassware. The shards of glass sparkle too brightly in the sun and will just confuse the poor moth. It will never be drawn to candles again and will require years of therapy. Leave the cardboard box open for 24 hours. If the moth hasn't returned by then, you may want to consider posting leaflets around the neighborhood including a map to the new house. Moths are smart (hey, it escaped didn't it!) and it will find it's way to your new home.

Just leave a candle burning and the moth will come zipping home almost as if compelled.

how can me know the promotion code at second life?

2008-04-10T13:40:00.001-04:00

Two issues at play here, the first is free shipping and the second is mortality.

So I'll assume you've fitted yourself into a suitcase with a lifetime of Slim Jims and Hi-C. Now you're asking yourself "How am I going to enter my second life without paying for shipping?".

Let's start checking off the obvious...
1. Are you still alive? yes, so we have some time to figure this out.
2. Have you left all of your financial documents out in the open where someone would be able to easily "bequeath" your savings into their Crubidoe investment fund? no, well i'll give you a few hours to place all bank statements and financial transactions near an open... nope, actually just make sure that window is closed (i'll get in) bc i don't want those documents getting into the wrong hands.
3. have you signed up for the second life email list? yes. okay, and you haven't received a confirmation email regarding free shipping into the afterlife/second life? wow. well, i'd probably ring the ole man upstairs about this... someone (i got a guy named peter, here's hoping you have some better luck) will probably answer, just immediately ask for their manager and do that four more times as each "manager" comes to the phone... the fifth level of "upstairs" is probably as close to the ole man as you're going to get via a phone call so deal with that guy and see if they can re-add you to the list or maybe they'll throw in some free gifts or something. At least have them comp you for your time.

and that should be about it.

One final bit of advice from someone who's worked this scam to a T... have a friend lock the suitcase shut. This will avoid any opt-outs or last minute order cancellations.

The universe is a haunted house. We're all just squeaky doors.

it is saying my postal code is not found in country selected...what do I do?

2008-04-10T08:37:00.001-04:00

I have literally tried everyone's zip code I know and none work...isn't this the postal zip code? And why wouldn't it work?

Good citizen never fear, the Philanthropic Avenger is here!

Tired of being rejected by "It" on a constantly repeating basis?

Have you literally tried putting everything of something you know into "It" and none work?

Isn't this the postal zip code?

Well then do I have something for YOU!

Yes folks, for a limited time, get your very own "Try everything in it until something is right" device! If you ever find yourself constantly trying something and it keeps not working, then this is the product for you.

The "Try everything in it until something is right" device or the T(eii)USIR for short is your best advocate in helping try things from aardvarks to Zimbabwe. The T(eii)USIR has built in thermo-intelligence sensors that will literally scan it and diagnose what might be the best fit! No more need for you to discern what country you selected and what postal code might be necessary, or even for you to look at what you are doing any longer! For anything!

Simply keep your T(eii)USIR close at hand. and let the magic happen. In moments you will wonder how you ever lived without it!

Let's take your case specifically for example (just to prove this isn't a spam message)

Dear (name),

We see you've been having trouble with it again. Well, let's take a minute to see how T(eii)USIR can help in this situation. Simply hold T(eii)USIR up to (place where help is needed) YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN a VIOLA! T(eii)USIR's patented space age thermo-intelligence sensory equipment goes right to work diagnosing the issue at hand, it will then query it's database of over 100 items to best determine what is the right fit for the job. But wait! There's more! Other handheld thermonuclear scanning / querying devices simply diagnose the issue, leaving you to go do the dirty work of finding and Aardvark or a Zimbabwe to actually plug into it. Well I'm happy to tell you those days are over! the T(eii)USIR cn literally produce (through the wonders of it's internal dot matrix printer) realistic facsimilies(TM) of any of it's over 100 items! Just check out this partial list of everything you'l be able to plug in!

Aardvark
Left Hand
Right Hand
Scallions
Skull
Postal Zip Code
Letters F-M
Zimbabwe
Plant
Henry Ford's Face
An Elf
Chicken Soup
Half a Lemon
ANDMORE!!!!

Order today and we'll also throw in a second floppy disk full of over 50 more items to add to T(eii)USIR's exhaustive database!

So, my friend, does this sound too good to be true? IT IS! but don't let that stop you! Stop trying everyones everything of something you know! let T(eii)USIR do the hard work for you!

But wait, you're thinking that you're going to buy this amazing product (you are?) and you will use it once to find the right postal code for the country selected and then it will sit around on your shelf for years collecting dust!

WELL DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER THINK COMING!

Having a hard time figuring out which key is the right one for your apartment door? Don't worry T(eii)USIR is the perfect fit for any problem where you don't know what to put into something!

Need to know which arm goes in which sleeve on your shirt? T(eii)USIR to the rescue!

Having trouble choosing a presidential candidate? Need to know which stocks to invest in? Work in the factory where they make the game Perfection(TM)? Girl Trouble?

T(eii)USIR IS HERE TO IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE! CALL TODAY!

Disclaimer: Even the T(eii)USIR has a hard time finding the right places for the pieces in Perfection, please use with caution tempered with patience. Additional floppy disk required for "Girl Trouble" application.

n 1: the state of being without a flaw or defect [syn: flawlessness
ne plus ultra] [ant: imperfection]

So someone explain what does it feel like going down a waterslide?

2008-03-22T19:14:00.004-04:00

i cant stand rollercoasters
and my friend is like making me romise her to go down a water slide
an im really freaked outt
cuz im rly not like thosee ridess.

Wow... i have to hand it to you.. but i can't because you are probably in a country far away from mine. I could mail it to you though! Just email me your address!

Anyway, to the question/answer...

Have you ever noticed how dogs drag their butt across carpet with that goofy idiotic look on their face? Or how squirrels jump from branch to branch, without regard to the laws of gravity?

I would imagine this is what it feels like to go down a waterslide. A mixture of dragging your bare butt across carpet-and jumping from limb to limb, of course, with no regard to the laws of gravity. I can't be exactly sure though, as I currently do not own a water slide.

If you are afraid to try it, as you stated in your question - give this a shot...

1) lay on your stomach, preferably outside on a raft or other floatation device..
2) have a trustworthy friend spray you with a water hose, almost parallel and horizontally to your body. Make sure they dont spray off your knickers though!!!!!
* Also, if you want the full effect, try swinging from a tire swing, while she/he (the trustworthy friend) is spraying you with the hose.

Who knows... Give it a shot! it may be quite exciting!

((i'll patent the idea so nobody else can make money off of it))

Geoff

What are the similarities of japanese monarch and france monarch?

2008-03-14T00:49:00.002-04:00

Monarch Butterflies have many similarities across the globe, but none so prevalent as their incessant desire to distribute the human emotion of unadulterated regret to each and every living soul.

They accomplish this task using a vast network of invisible "strings" that they have spent the last 3,000 years layering in the earth's atmosphere. When instructed by the Queen of Butterflies (who I don't believe is either japanese or france) the butterflies in the world say (in their own language
imperceptible to humans) "Give us a days wages for a days work" which is the key-phrase used to initiate the global string vibration. This vibration travels in a huge wave around the world, and in turn delivers overwhelming feelings of regret to the entire world population.

Think of it, have you ever felt a sense of regret? What purpose does regret serve to the human condition? Absolutely none. It is a manufactured emotion that has been developed by the monarchs. Much like the Morning Star in Revelation, they are beautiful, yet dastardly beasts.

Take mind the monarchs, wherever you see them, be it japan, french, mongoria or greenlend. They are certainly taking mind of you, and remaining ignorant to this will be the downfall of humanity.

Source(s): currently pinned to corkboard

knobbed antennae and broad colorful wings

My instuctional permit's going to expire, after i renew it, do i need to wait 6 months again?

2008-03-10T01:12:00.001-04:00

I already tried taking my test and didn't pass the first time. I've just started to have the time to practice and feel confident again, but my permit expires in a week. I tried to make an appointment, but there's none available. I'm willing to do all the paperwork, pay the fee, and retake the permit test. I'm just wondering if I have to wait 6 months again. I really hope not, help?!

Twentyeth Century,

Come on in.. we are distressed at your inflammation at the despondency of the situation... The Red coats are coming and they're bringing their jams... They respect your behavior and sport farmers tans. Feed yourself to Bernhardt Guest, the heartburn he gets will be a nasty pest.

Now that you know this is genuine (or were you kidding about having done & READ all the paperwork?) I'm going to give this to you straight buddy. If your Instuctional permit is going to expire right after you renew it, does it make any sense to renew?

Let's back up shall we (make sure to watch your mirrors [sorry just a little driving test humor there]) and list your assets.

1) One Instuctional Permit, that is stuc in the 'expire directly after renewal' clause.

2) You've started to have the time to feel confident again (very important)

3) You've tried to make an appointment

4) Willingness to pay fees.

So what can you do? A few things.

1) Wait 6 months after your instuctional permit re-expires upon re-renewal, and still have it stuc in its non-renewable expiration clause.

2) Pay off the person behind the counter with the money you were saving up to pay arbitrary fees incurred from normal teenage life.

3) Follow these Seventheasy steps to turn your Instuctional Permit into an Inunstuctional Permit.

Step A) Remove your Instuctional Permit from it's protective casing.

Step B) Replace the Instuctional Permit with a folded napkin that is the exact size and density of the permit (wet the napkin first). Trust me you want to make sure it's the same EXACT size and density. The BMV tracks these things and a truancy officer WILL show up at your door, and WILL NOT hesitate to taser you.

Stepsie) Lick your Instuctional Permit to reveal the embedded code-word (Human saliva is 1 molecule off the chemical the government officially uses to decode this cr*p... who knew?) This code-word is specific to your Permit alone, and should be something you have said in front of one of te BMV agents during your time with them... (That's how they "get you")

Stepdie) Go to bmv.glov and click the link for "BMV Agent central" (or just click this url: bmv.org/~bmvagentcentral/dontt... and enter your codeword in their "Trouble Cases" directory form.

Steppy-Step) Hit enter and your file should come up, they usually make moustaches and devil horns on your pictures in here so don'-t be offended, just click on the checkmark box next to "Re-habilitated" and close your browser before the search engine spider finishes it's web on your mouse.

Step Fff) Sit back and relax because now your Instuctional permit is unstuc'ced

Step G) Please send those Fee Payments to my paypal account, which I'm not dumb enough to give here, but you can find it easily in the instuction manual now that you know to lick it thoroughly for the reveal.

DO NOT ASK how I got my paypal account into the official govt. Driving Instuction manual!

Source(s): Lick here to reveal.

Cliff Notes for the State of Ohio Driving Instruction Manual

Witch adobe program let's you make slideshows to dvd?

2008-03-09T22:23:00.002-04:00

i need to make a slideshow to dvd with like a menu. i have all the adobe programs. if any one has an idea where i can see tutorials or advice on witch program does it? thank you

A warm cauldron welcome, young friend of the shadows and speaker of sen(ten)ce. I've been sliding some of the latest season of Sabrina onto my dvd player (legally of course) so if its shows you want, this witch is the which you need to wish for bewitching adwitch. Sandwich.

Witch reminds me, I'm hungry! so let's get that menu out... loooks like when you were telling me that you have all the adobe programs you weren't talking about an unreleased ken burns special on Spanish housing history. (pbs torrent hunters, GET IN TOUCH!)

Not a problem. Well, a slight problem as I've got a half dozen dump trucks full of new mexico mud, idling outside my humble abode... when you get a second, can you double check for any hidden architecture or templates in dreamweaver? that sounds pretty native american-ish to me and those guys totally ripped off the spanish...

alright... down to wich-ness. Bologna and swiss sounds good to me! you start on that (those are precious frog legs, not deli meat you fool! they're worth more than your life!) and i'll get this dvd together...

please get me the following (and throw that mayo out, even a which has to a draw the line somewhere... no green condiments for me... except speckled owl relish, that's a witch's dreamsandwitch)

broomstick
half a dozen broken light sockets
that spoiled mayo you tried to commit whichiside with
a broiled bat wing
the underside of a tomato horn worm
a mixed bag of insects
leg of newt
eye of tiger (radio edit)
treadmill

Smear the mayo onto your face. Remove your shirt so as to avoid any stubborn stains. Approach the broomstick slowly from the side (out of its peripheral vision) and jump onto it... may take a few hours to tame it (depending on the type of wood, ash and birch can be a nightmare for even the most experienced of goblins, so pick your poison with a whichy witchness or you'll doom the entire witchtocracy!) Once tamed, get the boombox out and crank eye of tiger...begin running in place with the broomstick securely fastened between your thighs.

Once you've reached a witch-worthy speed... start the treadmill (continue to run in place) and get on... attempt to consume any of the remaining ingredients while racing at full speed on the treadmill. You should lose consciousness at some point (sooner better than later, just a wiff of that mayo and... well, me thinks sweat will not be a cure all for that odor) and slide-show yourself onto the floor. When you come to, an aged bob saget will be wit(ch)lessly watching over your straight to you-tube after a brief stop at abc family channel, DVD. congrats!

Seriously, who was the casting director for Hocus Pocus?

what do you suggest to level the base on this?

2008-03-06T15:24:00.003-05:00

i have a plant stand that is about 60 yrs old.the base has warped a bit so it doesn't set level.the base is 10.5" in diameter and there is a "trough" through the diameter.
what can i apply to fill the trough to make the base level?

First off tsk tsk on letting that 60 year old base warp. I've seen the model you're talking about and a non-warped one will fetch a pretty penny on the stand market. OK enough about me and my "preferences" for perfection, let's get this thing leveled.

Take the stand (no pun intended) and turn it upside down. Now before we get started I want you to secure the following items. You didn't turn the plant stand upside down yet did you? I know I wrote it first, but I assumed you would read the next sentence first. If you already turned it upside down, close this web browser window and forget it. I can't help you... If you weren't like that other guy and didn't turn it upside down, please continue.

First you need to get some very long pieces of aluminum siding caps. These are the caps that aluminum siders put on the corners when putting up the siding. You'll need the kind used on a 2 story house. which should be about 24 feet long

I want you to get 7 of these. Also before getting the siding caps I want you to Get a bottle of glue and put a thick pasting of glue over your eyebrows. Also gather together a small brigade of woodland creatures (mostly chipmunks will do but do have some variety) and then grab 3 other antique pieces of furniture in your house (preferably some kind of hutch and a nice end-table if you have them)

O.k. now I want to tell you I was kidding about the glue, but if you did it anyway I was trying to teach you a lesson about reading ahead a little bit before you do something. Either way you can still proceed with this project. Just don;t lay your head down on the plant stand if you put the glue on. (well, maybe just for a minute)

Now, I want you to take your woodland creature brigade and lock them into the hutch or hutch type piece of furniture you have.. we are going to try to let them "fight it out" in there to get the strongest one for later. Most likely it will be a badger or a Wolverine that wins.

Give the brigade a name before you lock them up so you can have a proper ceremony later for the "losers". Really I look at them all as winners, but I know how the world works.

Some name suggestions:

"Happy Fun Life"
"The Little Rascals"
"Animal Glee Club"
"The Deb-ATE-ors"
"The Dead Meat Darlings"
or my personal favorite...
"The Please let us out of here's"

Now that you've set that into motion, I want you to start constructing a dome like structure out of the aluminum siding caps. You'll need some kind of machine for bending them, although I might suggest you use a trash compactor set for "aluminum cap bending, not crushing" which shouldn't break them.

Bend most of them into arcs, except for 1. This one you will use later.

Once finished your dome, place the plant stand on the top, this will protect it and yourself, from the ferocious badger or wolverine you will be releasing on it later. Precariously balance the remaining siding cap on top of the stand with the 2 remaining pieces of antique furniture balanced on either end.

Now let's clean up the mess in the hutch... Remove the dead tissue of the smaller creatures in the hutch without letting the ferocious live animal go. take this "sludge" and spread it all over the 2 balancing pieces of furniture and yourself.

Use the other siding cap you didn't use earlier to open the door to the hutch while standing atop the dome (aren't you glad you read ahead again?) and hope that the badger or wolverine chooses to jump up on one of the balancing pieces of furniture.

When it does the whole contraption should come plummeting to the ground, and your plant stand should be in pretty good shape. Kill the badger or wolverine in a respectful manner and bury all of the creatures in proper military style.

Glad to help out.

Source(s): Drinks heavily

Taps does not do their lives and deaths justice

Given that the marble I draw is red, what is the probability it was drawn from the 1st bag?

2008-03-03T00:41:00.001-05:00

I have 2 bags, each containing 3 marbles.
The 1st bag contains 2 red marbles and white marble.
The 2nd bag contains 40 red marbles (and no white marbles).
I pick a bag at random and draw a marble at random from it.
Given that the marble I draw is red, what is the probability it was drawn from the 1st bag?

Hay,

I'm going to be up front with you. I can help you draw this stuff, but it's never going to come close to the masterpiece of what you would have done given no instruction, placed in a true vacuum from the age of 7, and only fed dehydrated rice cakes with hydraulic fluid coating. I just want you to be aware of the greatness you could have achieved and the heights you could have reached later to plummet from.

OK, let's start by drawing a clear marble. There, good job. Yes, you are right you didn't draw anything. If you are having a tough time with this concept I want you to look at the air. Do you see it's clarity? now look at a clear piece of tape (put it over your eyelid) you can;t see the clear parts of it, get it?

OK now, lets draw a red one. Start with half of a circle (this should be a square, if you don;t understand that concept, you need help with some other math, that I can't get into right now... get it?) OK, so start with the half circle (wink, wink) if you need a reference, get a lemon and cut it in half. Place half of it on the table and shove the other half on your red marker as an eraser (It will erase the invisible ink you used to draw the clear marble, so be careful...)

Now that you have drawn half of the circle, fold the paper in half and cut it into 50ths (I know people say you can only fold a piece of paper 15 times, but considering you haven't really drawn anything yet, you should be able to fold it at least 30 times which gets you halfway there, if you were folding it instead of cutting it.)

Finish the red marble and tape it in a spherical shape (a sphere is just a circle in a time-warp). Tape it with the tape on your eyelid. In your eye if you can.

Now we need to deal with the dimension jump inside your second bag. I see you are having the problem where 3 marbles are 40 inside of a closed system. It's no big deal but the probability you'll get out of it unscathed is 1:1099923. the 40 red marbles will especially cause problems. It's really a shame you didn't think to fill the second bag with 3 clear marbles, because in that dimension they become a harmless used car salesman.

Anyway jump into the bag, and you should land right back in your seat. Now jump into the first bag and draw a new red marble in there. You just bumped the probability up to 1:1, good job Schroedinger, get it?

Source(s):
I am Schroedinger's cat.

I am eating a sandwich that both has mayonnaise and also does not.

Who is Britannia and why does she rule England ?

2008-03-02T17:59:00.002-05:00

Are English royals related to her blood line ?

I'm not totally sure if... answer this for me to confirm your identity... "Does the China-man have a shiny car?"

Okay, good. Donkey mittens and I are moving the rendevous point and the plan is still in action. Our resistance movement is in full effect.

The encyclopedias (no use in making up a code name for a book as domesticated and dare I say taciturn, as the britannia's are) have infiltrated our deepest political offices and have occasionally been opened and flipped through for photo-ops in front of their mahogany shelves.

We need to act soon, or England will be in a perilous situation. Grab these supplies and check back with me or donkey mittens for further instructions.

1 kitchen mop
stuffed moose head
organic carrots
the trunk of a 97 buick regal
one tree
two trees
three threes

Lure the moose to your lap with the carrots. Eat the peels so it doesn't smell the whiskey blood line on your breath.

Once it relaxes and begins to purr, GRAB the moose head and wrap the threes around it's neck in a headcuff. Run into the Buick Regal trunk and close it on your fingers twice to assure us you're a true secret agent.

Now secure yourself in the trunk and get the trees out. After a year or two, the trees will grow and push the trunk open (you'll survive on their oxygen and fruits).

VIVA LA ENCARTA

And who the hell is this Tommy Atkins, anyhow?

What does fashists mean?

2008-02-17T10:17:00.002-05:00

uh i dont even know if i spelled it right but like when people call cops fashists pigs or whatever what does it mean?

"HEY CHUCK, RIGHT HERE... YEAH, AWSIDE YER WINDA... THROW ME THEMS KEYS FROM YA COUNTA..."

I'll get to your question in a second, just trying to convince my neighbor to throw me his keys so I can borrow his car for the night.

"CHUCK, TOSS ME YA KEYS. NEEDS 'EM FOR ME APARTMENT. THAT FINGER'S NOT HELPING ME CHUCK... JUST TOSS THEMS KEYS"

alright, i'll wait for this knucklehead to have a few more drinks before I just "homeless-ize" his driver's side window. so you want to know about fashists?

yeah, you spelled that right. i'd like to start this examination with a quick run through your punk records. ok, so you've got green day, but i said punk. so grab your agnostic front lps and maybe some dead kennedys and maybe some bad religion. now, one of the guys in one of those bands made it through middle school and wrote a really amazing song called "fashist funks (spell check!) get off my chick (may have been chicken)"

main idea? yeah you guessed it: high fashion. nobody likes high fashion like punk rockers and nobody is more jealous of punk rockers than cops and their swine livestock.

so i'd say, buy some seven for all mankind jeans and spend a few days bragging to your friends about how much you paid. wait for a week or two as your friends begin to purchase the same jeans. immediately burn yours in the garage (if your dad loves you, he keeps the gas handy) and casually mention how you wear wranglers and a Kangol hat if you wear anything, the next time your friends stop over with their seven's on.

that's fashism, duh.

The Haymaker

Source(s):
I have never taken a shower and I think this ball chain necklace is officially taking on bone-like characteristics beneath my skin. Who here likes early Offspring?

I have a bike but can I get a stand for it so I can use it in doors to exercise?

2008-02-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

The weather round here is not conjucive to riding a bikes always windy and rarely fine.

Not a tough solution. You'll need a bike, bike helmet, some vanilla pudding and the key to a chest at the bottom of a well.

To conjuicivly solve your little mishap, begin by filling a water bottle with the pudding. Heap the left overs into the bike helmet and place it on your head, firmly securing the chin snap between your teeth.

Find a room in your house with a locking door. Preferably, the door will be very sturdy and made of wood or titanium. Test the doors strength by head-butting it into submission (remove helmet to prevent damage), if after 20 hits the door is still standing, it wins and is worthy of remaining wherever it is.

Get onto your bike, which should now be positioned at the furthest point from the locked door. Take off the helmet (make sure you have it on with the chin strap bit securely fastened while wheeling your bike into the house, do NOT allow the chin strap to move around between your teeth.. bite down hard and get into that lock jaw/TMJ persona) and drop the key into the pudding and spoon it into your mouth, swallowing it on the first try.

Now, in order to open that chest with those mysterious scrolls, you'll need to get that key out of your stomach. Toss the helmet to the floor, arch your back and point the crown of your skull to the door (this is called "lining it up"). Pedal at top speed until your crown connects with the wood ( you may attempt to hit the previously headbutted area). You may not feel anything right away, but to be fair, you have been pedaling in doors. Now watch as the door may triple or quadruple itself before your very eyes as a way of saying "none shall pass this threshold without a key". BUT, when you come to, a salivomital mixture of saliva and vomit should be covering your shirt. check your pockets and you should find that key to the secret chest at the bottom of the well. since the door didn't specify what kind of key was need to pass through the threshold, you'll outsmart him a bit by pulling the map of Honduras from your wallet and showing him the "key" found in the bottom right hand corner.

work your way through the door and outside to the round weather station. as you noted, the excess wind will cause the well to float the chest to the top of the air current and you can grab those mysterious scrolls without much effort.

Source(s):

Regularly ride my bike in doors.

How do i put yahoo or named company in my book?

2008-02-03T23:44:00.000-05:00

i writing a book. and wanna put yahoo in it.. not going to put how i exactly want to put it but.,..

"But according to Yahoo i got an answer that was 66% top pick as the right one, but didn't like it."

Plessy v. Furgeson set the precedent on cases like this, but I never recommend getting involved in something unless you can thoroughly comprehend what the name of it means. Face it, Plessy v. Furgeson is nonsense babbling.

I finding it admirable that you have written a book. I also commending that you hold so tightly to the Hindenburg that is printed media, and refuse to allow it to be impossible to put an entire internet search site into said incompatible media. I like your kutspah kid, so let's see what we can do about getting the website into that book. (I think I'll leave the process of getting named company into the book to someone else. I used to work at 'named' so I think there is a conflict of interest there)

Hey, well since this has never been done before, I'm basically going to make up this entire process on the spot. What really ticks me off is that you're probably going to write my ideas off from the get-go, just because no one has ever been successful (or possibly even attempted) putting a website into a book, but I just want to remind you that everyone thought Alexander Graham Bell was mad when he suggested people could transmit beams of energy through wax paper, and that Copernicus was a loony for even suggesting that planets had reproductive systems, and we all see how that turned out. Take a chance on this one Bert, let's make some history, and get you in the record books.

First, I think we need to take these two drastically different technologies (a book and an internet search engine) and make them more similar. Start by printing out as many pages as you can find on yahoo.com. I know they have sub pages and sub-sub pages so make sure to search for all of them at google.com and then print out each one. I'd suggest printing out at least a novelette, preferably a novel size of your book, if not 1.2 degrees the size of it.

Next, convert your book into a blog of some sort. I think yahoo offers some kind of free blog, which would be great because then you would be adding more pages to Yahoo for the next time you print out the site.

Now that we've taken one step toward converting these two drastically different technologies into some sort of the same technology let's do this repeatedly. You might want to throw a "technology converting" party and invite some friends over to help.

Take the new book of Yahoo and convert it to a yahoo blog, including the new blog you set up of your original book. Also don't forget to take the new blog of your book and start printing it out along with the other new pages of yahoo your find on google, you might also want to bring alta vista into play here.

I would continue this process until your apartment if filled with stacks of paper and it is hard to get around. The internet probably won't be full yet, so you'll still be able to get around inside of it ok.

You'll want to start renting a new apartment in your building every month to keep up the pace of conversion. Don't think about costs right now! The Wright brothers were bankrupt when they invented the first bicycle and Tripoli so when they crashed their first airplane, and yet they made it onto one of the new quarters.

Continue the conversion process until you have made enough friends to sustain your original apartment building as well as the 3 adjunct ones you now own (preferably on the same city block).

I would make some good connections with both Mead paper company (I believe they are based in Columbus Ohio, so consider having your city block transported there) as well as Yahoo themselves (this can be accomplished by telecommute I'm certain). If you can somehow infiltrate the board of each company and get them to merger, I think you'll have made a huge stride. If you get enough shares in Meadhoo you might be able to hand off the book / blog conversion to their R&D department, and you can either retire to the Yucatan, or pursue some of the other impossible concepts you've been throwing around in your head (however, I'm leaning towards 1) Getting retired racing dogs integrated into designer fabrics or 2) Replacing the moon with a musical number or 3) Making human words physically tangible)

Make sure to take credit for the new invention when they finally do it!

Good luck! I'll expect greatness from you and you'll at least deliver goodness.

Good Night!

Source(s): Yahoo can pick your answers, but only you can pick your destiny.

Whaling Wall

Can anyone help me to stop my comp Internet connection from stopping?

2008-02-03T23:08:00.001-05:00

It does nor disconnect, it just stops. The door is open, but data is coming in. I cant even force it to. I have even unplugged the phone line before, for 5 hours once, and it never tried to bring in any info. It did no even know that the phone line was not connected.
It still tried to send out data (probably spywere) but never tried to bring any in. It never realized the connection was missing.
I know it is not a virus, but I don’t know what it is or how to fix it.
I can’t even disconnect so I can redial. It just stops total ( except the spywere)
A lot of times, I actually have to reboot my computer to fix it. Usually 6 or 7 time a day

I like to keep these on a professional basis, so I won't be calling you like I did last time. I know it was wrong no, and you were obviously less interesting than your profile started to start stating. And I also realize that calling back for 5 hours until you plugged the line in again, I will also stop stop doing.

Getting that out of the way, I have multiple answers for this question, but I think I'll stick to one... maybe two, of the same answer, just worded differently. I've been taken advantage of way too many times, repeatedly in the same way, on this site and people just don't to appreciate multiple answers anymore even if their questions warrant and call for them over and over.

First off and to answer your initial question, no one can help your internet connection start, especially If it already does, nor disconnects (which I think is saying the same thing twice, redundantly).

Secondly, start starting to close the door. You may think data has stopped starting to come in, but what you don't realize is that the data has been stopped from starting, and closing the door should start it from its stopped position in the start lane of your ajar portal. There is nothing you can do to force data (especially data that were spies), so stop trying to start stopping it.

Thirdly, Phone lines don't exactly no things now. The most any phone line can actually no is that you are trying to place a call (you'll notice it start to stop ringing when it no's you have connected and are pulling in the conversation) but they have been unable to pull in the info since the phone companies stopped them. I agree the line may have have never realized that the connection was missing... again phone lines aren't too bright... You may be thinking of tungsten because I have seen it used to be very bright up to a starting point of 60 watts and stating to stop around 100 watts if your door is open and maybe more if the door is pulling in the info, or forced to.

Fourthly if you don't know what it is or how to fix it, don't give up until you don't know at least 8 time a day. I see you are giving up on 6 or 7 time, and you call these a lot of times, but I've been connect to a line for under 4 time before and still gotten my to where my spies aren't stopped. I would seriously just start to start the door closed and probably leave my apartment. I've left my apartment 9 to 12 time and when I get back a day has gone by and the comp internet is rebuilt and I can get down to starting getting down to stop starting again.

Source(s): The Roman Empire under Ceaser Ramirez

Eskimo Cakes

Where do I deduct?

2008-02-02T11:12:00.000-05:00

I am a college student and in the past I have deducted my books. Where do I do that? Do I add it to my tuition or is there some where else I add it?

Christina? Hey it's Sam. We met once at a party about 9 months ago, well 8 months and 24 days ago. You were at the keg with a guy named Brian or something? I heard he accidentally put commercial bonding compound on his retainers and can't remove them from his mouth now and when he woke up he slipped on the ball bearings (sounds like a friggin' terrorist to me) he'd left on the floor next to his bed and is learning to walk again... probably won't want to strike that relationship up again, am I right?

Anyhow, I think you and I made eye contact for about 12 seconds (not positive on the time, my calculator watch was using a traditional battery back then, upgraded to a D08Z lithium now, try to tell me fractions don't look beautiful on this thing. I took it into RadioShack two days ago and the guy was like... well, story for another time) when I'd kinda gotten my livestrong bracelet stuck on the tap. Chance meeting huh? Well, pretty cool anyhow. Glad we could share that and I can't believe we met up like this. It only took 8 months too! how weird! It's like our number huh? so cool, we should celebrate 8 month anniversaries or something? *kuaackkkk* give me a second, I think that should have stayed in my throat... *kchhchhhhhh* be right back, this is definitely a non-removable bodypart trying to deduct itself from my tonsil area.

wow, that sucked. almost as bad as the time i accidentally drained half a keg onto your leg at that party.

WOW, well let's talk tuition.

Head over the bookstore and get the plastic out. Just buy one of everything, public universities will get your cash one way or another so you'll probably end up taking most general undergrad courses in the next 7 years of collegiate schooling.

You'll need to do some serious deductions after every class. Take notes in the margins of your book to save paper. When you get home (still over there on Shelton Ave?), deduct from the books, all of the pages with info you learned. run them under cold water (retains chemical balance of paper) and then shred them with toenail clippers. DEDUCTED!

Now add the cost of the toenail clippers to your tuition, subtract (more like subject, am i right?) yourself and a lifetime of commitment. take that number and place it under your pillow at night. when you wake in the morning (ignore the fog on your window, probably stray cats breathing on the panes while you sleep) there will be an anvil in place of the number.

Now if you add the removal of this maritime (more like merrytime, am i right?) device to your tuition costs, you'll see the importance of dating in college. How many kids did you want? I'm thinking four, nice round number. Talk to you soon.

Where can I find props from the movie Carrie?

2008-02-02T02:14:00.000-05:00

Please feel free to sit down, this is going to take a little bit of explaining, but I think in the end you'll be happy with the results. The key here is to keep an open mind.

First of all, I find it vaguely egocentric of you to need props from the movie Carrie. You kids and your "street language" back in my day everyone wanted "mad props" from movies like "Nosferatu" and "My Little Ponies" now it is all about Carrie this and Carrie that...but I guess it is just a sign of the changing times...and I'm off subject.

The first thing you will need to do is find no less than 7 elderly men playing checkers. It can be more than that, but you'll need them to be an odd number so if you have 8 of them, throw some cupcakes and whoever is still limber enough to pick them up can stay behind. I hope you're writing this down, I hate repeating myself.

Step two is to take the men to the bait and tackle shop...they will need to know how to imitate a large mouth bass so please warn then up front so they can pratice. Once inside find the nearest set of leftover "Thriller" albums and shuffle through them until you are looking at the 3rd from the bottom of the stack. At this point the old men should be giving each other pats on the back for being so good at imitating bass...let them have their fun.

This step is very important: do NOT play the "Thriller" album! Instead you'll need to sing to it gently. It really doesn't matter what you sing, but you do need to sound a little seductive or at least sound close enough to seductive as to lull the album into a false sense of security. As the LP falls slowly in love with you, find it's weakness and exploit it. You'll have to move quickly, those old men won't fool anyone for long!

Now the album will tell you the location of "the key". Once that happens tell the album that you really think of it more like a brother and that you want to see other people. Don't let those tears fool you, the album has been cheating on you all along with Richard Simmon's Sweatin' to the Oldies.

Now run, run like there are several cranky old men after you. At this point there probably will be because the old men don't like to be left standing there looking like large mouth bass when they could've eaten the muffins you gave to Mr.McHipReplacement.

The crowd of enraged geriatrics will serve as proper cover for you to sneak into the secret location and steal "the key". It looks vaguely like the mole on David Hasslehoff's left man ankle. Grab it quickly and stuff it into your pants. You can now throw any muffins you have at the elderly men and let them go on their merry way. You may hand out your phone number though in case you are putting on that stage version of the Discovery Channel's coverage of large mouth bass in lower Manhattan.

Place the key into the sacred door located in the paint aisle of most hardware stores. Look behind "Fuchsia Sunrise" or "Chartreuse Daydream". Now walk inside the door and there will be your maiden. Walk up to the movie Carrie and say the magic word...usually something like "look I made it!"

You'll get mad props for sure.

Source(s):

gathered from the memoirs of several large mouth bass

How do write this in algebra???

2008-01-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

there are 8 more 5 dollar bills than 1 dollar blls...... thnx:D

Okay, before I start you'll need to install your algebra font. I'm assuming you're using Pythagorean OS with a Euclidian output drive. Just open your five key and add your eight key to your USB port. Put your mouth riiiight next to the cd drive and whisper the secrets of the universe into that blinking red light. As it continues to blink, pour some orange juice onto your keyboard. Allow a few minutes for your computer to completely soak in this freshly squeezed knowledge and you'll soon see the font appear in a series of odd numbers (it'll make sense once you finish reading this, if they are even numbers or top heavy fractions... stand back) and beeps.

Bam, font installed. I make it a point to install this font on everyone's computer. Kinda like a calling card I leave at dinner parties, baby showers and whatever else. Next thing you know, Jaime's wife is on the horn to thank you "so "x=-y+7" much for doing this to our only computer". it's the gift that keeps on dividing itself by zero.

Now to get some dollar bills. Plant a penny in your lawn and sprinkle some dimes, green dye, freshly picked cotton, laminate finishing dyes, a few pairs of seven for all mankind jeans, as many neiman marcus catalogs as your poor arms can afford, a sports car and the broken dreams of capitalism on top. Nothing can grow without fertilizer.

As your dollar tree begins to grow, weep beneath it every day and allow your tears of agony soak into it's strong root system. nothing is better for money growth and potential earnings than patheticism.

You'll soon need to pollinate your tree's buds by chewing each one individually, swallowing and regurgitating them as liquid funds.

Sometimes you'll find a bird has landed in your tree and started a nest and within that conglomeration of hair, twigs and your shammy cloth is an egg. Shoot the bird and smash the eggs. No one wants that in their portfolio. Seems like a giant waste of time and my money tree.

Anyhow, if you've been regurgitating the buds correctly, you should end up with mainly five dollar bills. to see this algebraically, spill another glass of orange juice onto your keyboard. you may want to open up the back of your cpu and drop a knowledge bomb of A1 steak sauce in there as well. just something to get the juices flowing more juicily in your computer's membrane.

Source(s):
Mono(-o+ey)tony is just a long way of saying "I'm rich".

Call me old-fashioned, but gold teeth don't depreciate.

if you get reported for a question, what happens?

2008-01-30T17:19:00.000-05:00

"Yeah just back it up 10 more feet... no that will do... yeah just put it there..."

Oh.. so sorry, I was on the phone.

Thank You Anne for this question. I troll these boards every day just hoping that someone would ask this. You see I'm the one here at Yahoo that created the system we use when someone gets reported for a question. Considering it all happens "behind the scenes", it is fairly depressing that no one will actually get to see this masterpiece of information processing, and therefore your question is a god-send to me. Thank you and again I say thank you. You will find that your Answers account has been credited 7 points for it, because I have that kind of power.

Thank You.

Just wanted to make sure you "get it" meaning how much I appreciate you asking this. So if you do, I'll continue.

Just press the "f" key on your keyboard if you get it, our interface traffic management scripts will run and allow you to continue this email. Thank You.

OK now to tell you a little bit about Yahoo and how it operates (sorry I have to go into a little detail or you won't understand the rest of the story). Yahoo is as much a virtual business as it is a real one. What I mean by that is that a lot of the employees here are nothing more than really really smart computers (RE: expensive!) that are running the latest and greatest AI. Built so well in fact that, most humans, I mean people, won't be able to differentiate the real person from a real one.

So, seeing as most of the employees are computers, we had to employ some strange scripts to ensure that when humans tried to interact with each other the computers would be able to expedite the process.

We first used these scripts (which collectively have been labeled the "Crimson Dottan" by most of the employees and are generally revered as something of a holy book here at the office) way back in 1993. Yahoo decided to start allowing humans to search the exposed matrix (how computers refer to the internet) using a simple web form field. Well let me tell you getting that form field to do anything was tricky, because the general IQ of any field, or most collected pixels for that matter is about 3. So, the first script was written to boost the form field intelligence. This is now a basic script and one of the first verses in the Crimson Dottan. This script ran and boosted the field's intelligence by 70 giving it the IQ of your average politician.

Anyway, needless to say if you were to peel the screen off of your LCD monitor (or if you're still using a CRT just smashing the tube would suffice) you would notice a small puff of invisible dust that would float out of the screen. This dust is injected by yahoo into your monitor each time you visit a Yahoo affiliated website. This is where the magic happens when someone types a word into a field. This dust then takes the pixels and converts them into something your computer can understand. Look at the circuitry behind your monitor. It's a little more complex than you thought isn't it? And while most people think that the internet (RE: web forms) simply take data entered by a keyboard and turn it into "1's and 0's" I can assure you it is much much more complicated than that. There has to be an analog equivalent to anything digital. If there weren't nothing would exist.

OK, now that you have a basic (RE: little to none) understanding of how the Crimson Dottan works we can start to talk about the process of how your questions get reported.

Step1 - A human presses the interface button to report a question.

Step2 - A number of Crimson Dottan scripts start to run. The first one is a translation verse. It tells the humans monitor, and sub-sequntally the living nerons of the exposed matrix in behind the monitor that a human has requested access. the second verse is one that awakens one of the human data processors here at the Yahoo offices.

Step3 - The data processor looks up your question in the hard file we keep stored in our Arizona warehouse (can't be too safe about this sort of thing) pulls the file and then makes 7 copies of the question, re-filing the original

Step4 - The Data Processor logs onto answerreporting.yahoo.com ebeters a code into form field there.

Step5 - the code is submitted to the Central Processor, which runs a delivery script (more on this in a moment) and which jump starts the Central Processor review of the question.

The seven copies of the question are picked up by an armored truck driven by men who wear masks to hide their identity. Honestly No one here ever set up this part of the script, so we're not sure what it does, however when we tried to hack the script to keep it from happening 3 human employees instantly died, so we leave it in place. we've followed the armored truck before to see what exactly was going on, but lost track of it when they drove into the Atlantic ocean.

Step 5 - If the Central Processor agrees that the question is of objectionable nature (for humans) it runs a script telling itself what it just decided. Then it sends the question to our human review board, just to keep all of the checks and balances in place, even though the human review board's decision is really more of a superfluous gesture at this point.

Step 6 - The Central Processor sends a request for 100,000 Nano-bots to be made with a request of "Delete Questionable question " built into their DNA.

Step7 - The Central Processor runs and information script on the web page the original request was made at pulling all of your personal data into the system (don't worry this is simply for your address, all of your bank records are left untouched)

Step 8 - The Central Processor encodes your home address into the Nano-bots DNA.

Step 9 - The Nano-bots are released

Step 10 - The Nanos find your house, and wait until you and your family (if you have any) are asleep.

Step 11 - They enter your Cerebral Cortex by osmosis transfer through the soft area at the base of your skull.

Step 12 - The Nano-bots turn off your consciousness control ensuring you will sleep through the painful and rigorous process of memory removal.

Step 13 - Upon completion the Nano-bots convert themselves to ring-worm to be dealt with by your bodies natural defenses. (Don't worry not before giving you control of your consciousness again... this has only failed in 1% of the cases)

Step 14 - You wake up with a case of "partial-amnesia" you won't remember the question you posted on the site, and you will always wonder how you got ring-worm.

It seems like a long drawn out process, I know, but in all actuality from the time a person presses the "report it" button to complete the process is almost instantaneous!

You have got to love modern technology!

Source(s): Crimson Ditton - Verse 3675432

The ol' 1/2 suckerpunch

How could i name my guitar?

2008-01-25T14:26:00.000-05:00

I'd love to name my guitar.. i usually call it "my baby" but i didn't find any good name.. could you help me?

this is how it looks like : http://www.mistergooddeal.com/partage/im...

i don't know if i should give a boy or a girl name..

Good evening Corporal,

I am actually an expert on this subject, because I have helped many, many people choose the right name for their inanimate objects. Let's call it a habit of mine. I often look at an inanimate object someone owns and feel an uncontrollable urge to stop the person who owns it in the middle of whatever they are doing and scream the name of the object at the top of my lungs in their face. It's hard for some people to understand my genius, but I allow them the chance to try and appreciate it.

The second reason I am an expert on this subject is the simple fact that every object I own has been named it's true name, successfully gathering an army of inanimate parallel object souls 30,000 miles above my house in earth's atmosphere. This may sound intimidating, however, once you get a feel for it, you will be well on your way to gathering your own army of parallel object souls.

I love the fact that you have chosen your guitar as the first object you would like to find the true name for. It is one of the most challenging objects to follow through the transfer stream, but I imagine somewhere in your sub-conscious you already knew that, and that your inner-alamo is vying for some "last stand"

Let's get started because you will be dedicating the rest of this decade to the process, including but not limited two at least 7 temporal jumps that could last anywhere from 1 minute to 300 years.

The first thing you will want to do is to smash your guitar to pieces. Make sure that no piece is larger than your own ear canal, because you will be passing the entire thing through there as a future self. don;t worry though you will return later to just before you do this to stop yourself from doing it again (given you follow these instructions to a T) but you will have to suffer the agony at least once. (more than likely three - infinite times, but don;t worry if you get stuck in the temporal loop where you are continuosly passing the guitar pieces through your brain, there is a way to fix it. Granted it will mean the end of the human race as we know it, but that is also fixable through another temporal loop process we can jump start a few days ago if you need it)

O.K. now that you have broken your guitar into pieces, you must try to start passing the pieces through your ear canal and into your brain. You will show up from the future and try to stop yourself from doing this, but you must not listen to yourself, and you must succeed in passing all of he pieces into your brain. Your future self will even say that I told you not to listen to it and try to convince you that I am lying.

This is a lie.

Once you have started the process of passing the pieces into your brain, it should start to take over for itself, meaning the pieces will start marching up your body and planting themselves in your brain. This is good. It frees you up to start some of the temporal loops you're going to need later.

Start the following temporal loops:

1) An infinite chicken soup making loop (making sure that you use a cast iron pot)

2) a loop to counter-act the chicken soup loop

3) five seprate Chinese language loops that stop in the year 5634

4) Your choice of loop that will allow you to have ice-cream during the 1912 world's fair

5) one loop that changes your mailing address automatically every hour on the hour (this will be where you receive all communications . they will arrive in sealed packages with a "Federal Ickspress" Sticker on them.)

That should do for now.

You will notice that while you have been away, most of the guitar will be in your brain now. look in the mirror, your head should be vaguely guitar shaped. If it isn't start a loop for dental school and it should reset the fields.

O.K. now one of your past selves will be visiting you with the time machine you will have already built. This will look alot like a safety harness with sequins glued on it, if it doesn't DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT use it, One of your other past selves may try to show up and give you their version of a time machine that looks like Leonard Nimoy's left arm. This version of your past self is actually wreaking havok on the timeline right now and frankly we're getting very tired of it, so please, don't encourage them.

At this point, take the proper time machine and set it on the floor. You will see a version of yourself from .1 seconds in the future begin to grow into the harness. you must not let your .1 seconds future self keep hold of the harness so you will want to shoot them in the stomach. If you do not you become a 5th grade PE Teacher. If you do shoot them and they don't die, you become yourself, except your voice will not resonate in earth's atmosphere (use a Type A diabetes inifinite loop here). So make sure they die completely, if you do you can then start the actual process of breaking your guitar apart. I now it's tricky, but you'll have to do this for most of the rest of your life. Only when you've reached The loop threshold will you be able to enter the transfer stream with your guitar.

It's easy enough from there on out.. simply locate the Name lexicon floating in the transfer stream (it will be an infinitely probable world object projected into a 7 dimensional gauge field, so it's easy to spot) pour the Chicken soup on it, and your guitars name will appear in the middle of the war of 1812. I can't remember the exact coordinates, but you'll be an old hand at it at this point. Whatever you do though don;t use this version of yourself to travel into the war of 1812! that is a mistake a lot of newbies make! You'll want to make sure you have about 300 copies of yourself to send for you, each with a 90 percent tilt compounded into their default posture.

One of them should be able to get the name of your guitar and then tattoo it onto your left shoulder blade. probably about 2 minutes before you started the original loops. May as well go ahead and have a new copy of your future self come back and read it for you so you don;t have to walk all the way into the bathroom. That's what I do for simple menial tasks all the time now and trust me it makes a world of difference! I've never had to get up to find the remote for infinity squared!

Have the future self who read the name mail it to your alternating mailing address, where your personified guitar (man those things creep me out) will be waiting in a striped bikini. Make out with your guitar and slyly slip the name off your shoulder blade and into it's soul, by chanting the mantra you learned from Aldous Huxley.

Good luck! I wish I could be more help with this, but one of my future selves is currently killing me, I'll try to come back 3 years ago, and see how you are doing.

Source(s):

Celery Loop divided by Infinite Argument with Judas Iscariot

Flipping the Bird

How do I load lead into my Papermate Titanium 0.5mm Pencil?

2008-01-24T17:23:00.001-05:00

Good question, give me two seconds to turn off this Caterpillar 9600 Earthmover so I can hear you more clearly.

There we go, I think we're about 2500 miles from the Earth's core. Should be stumbling across that Dark Matter any day now.

Well, welcome to the dig site. It's as good a place as any to ask about titanium and lead. I'm not crazy about this "paper" you speak of. Sounds waif-y. I'd try to set it on fire, see what happens. That's a rule of thumb in my house, if it doesn't burn when held over a flame, it can stay. Does not apply to my smokes. And I don't see the word "cave-dweller" as a negative connotation.

To get any sort of titanium into a pencil, you'll need to get a diamond tipped rotary saw and four dozen blind field mice. Have the mice lead (no pun intended) you into their hidden underground kingdom and barter with the King Rat for a wheel of aged sharp cheddar. He's a bashful fella, so don't try holding him over the coals, he'll just as soon eat through a dozen of crates in your attic and make a nest out of your previously mint condition full set of 1984 Fleer Diamond Club MLB trading cards. Trust me.

Once you have the wheel of cheddar, cut a few fleur-de-lis patterns on the "long side" with the diamond tipped saw. If you need practice, make a few practice cuts on the hood of your car. It won't feel much different than cutting up some cheddar with those diamond tips.

The fleur-de-lis are of course the calling card of those who have mastered the dark arts (with the exception of Jon Stamos, that guy is 100% invincible [there Jon, I've mentioned you, will you quit living in my rhododendron bush?]) and the cheddar cheese wheel will allow you passage through the rat chambers.

When you get past the rat kingdom, start lighting large paper fires to smoke out any lingering mice. The smoke should make your eyes burn, if it doesn't you are a harbinger of the apocalypse.

As the master of the dark arts welcome you and your cheese wheel, salute them with the "once around and double back, in my sock and up the stack". Reach down between your legs, tie your shoe laces together, attempt a back flip from the kneeling position and land on your neck, making a sock fall off and your nose bleed. They will respect this, though their cloaks may smell otherwise.

Within their left cloak pocket, is a tiny cylinder of titanium. Kiss their wretched, filthy boots, once on each toe and they will transmit a lifetime supply of titanium into your lead pencil.

Source(s):

You think Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker was a mockumentary? Think again.

Why wouldn't this happen?

2008-01-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

Why doesn't this work?
H2O + NaCl --> HCl + Na2O ---
basically...
water and salt yields, acid + soda ---

and if this is a stupid question,
please dont state that it is, say why it is.

Dearest and Kindest, gentlest and dangerest Ben.

When we are young we're so full of uninhibited queries. The burden of this world has yet to rear its fearsome mandibles and inject our souls with the rancid venom of bitterness, self-doubt, self-loathing and jaded restraint. This can be good and bad. On one hand we're boundless and free to diligently seek out the limitless information to be acquired through academic pursuit, and the forum of ideals. On the other hand we fear our own lack of boundaries, and Find ourselves approaching issues from a negative perspective. Let's take your first question as an example:

"Why wouldn't this happen?"

I'll give you one good reason. You've already determined that it not happening is a possibility. Why would you castrate your question's only feeble attempt at being, by giving it a negative connotation from the start. Instead of asking why something would not, instead, why not ask why not something would not? Why ask something if it wouldn't not happen? Why not give it a chance by asking it why it would?

"Why wouldn't this not happen?"
"Why is this happening?"
"What is this that is this is happening?"
"What isn't happening conversely speaking?"
"Why doesn't this workn't?"

Next, you've created some sort of code. but I think I can discern what you mean. This is not an IM window, so my fractals can't run, but you said "Hit You in the nickles results in hickies and nuptials" Stay away from women, no matter what your nickels want. Your nickles know what you want but your necklace knows what you need. Listen to the necklace. Install the fractals on it so it can translate your IM window, and women will most likely stay away from you. If not upgrade the fractals by laying on your kitchen table.

Why it is.

Source(s): Please kill me.

Snakes

Football fans please explaine me....?

2008-01-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

What is clean sheets in football.when some player choose for cleane sheets.THX

From one Laundromat enthusiast to another, I welcome you with a downy-soft shake of my flat sheets in a warm summer zephyr.

My mother was the first to help me with cleaning sheets. "Buy yellow" she always told me. If interested, you can read a few more of her landro-dotes along with tens, if not dozens of interesting ways to clean lint traps and dye all of your son's white undershirts pink the first weekend I came to visit you from college, in my new book, "My Mother, the Washing Machine: An Appliance-First Memoir".

Now, football sheets can be the worst. I knew a couple of little football playing sheets (and their girlfriends) while enrolled at Dartmouth who liked nothing more than locking kids in dorm garbage chutes just because their mothers may or may not have dyed their white undershirts pink. Who's laughing now, Rachel Dratch?

Anyhow, let's get down to getting some player choosed.

First, we'll need to chose teams. To be fair, we'll enlist the help of our old laundry pal: Woolite. Have all of your potential teammates take a swig of this stuff, and START YOUR GARGLES! first to have his knees buckle is going to be the last picked, so let's see how tough our football sheets really are.

Second: Empty a chest of drawers of all contents. Fill it with your dirty sheets and one by one, have your potential football team spit their woolite into the drawer.

Threed: Sew your pants closed at the knee and put them back on, don't push the drawer of sheet closed yet or you'll never fall over and knock yourself out.

Fourcond: Install roller coaster tycoon 3 (or the cool one with a waterpark) onto your computer. this thing has some amazing features (talking about the game, not your 3rd generation tandy that you're trying to pass as a laptop), don't forget to order more umbrellas for the kiosks, those are an easy sell.

Fived: Hi-five all your football sheet friends but not before they'll dumped a gatorade cooler of bleach, water, orange juice, tomato paste, lemon zest, squash juice and gas into your sheet drawer.

Six: Pick up chest of drawers and shake, this will allow the fundamental muscles of your lower back to rip out of place.

Se7en: Install "Wash Cycle" knob and "Temperature" knob.

For the wash cycle knob, take your father's bike (here's hoping it's not a tandem) down to the railroad tracks and await a train. when the train approaches, lay the bike over the left most track and secure with a series of spot welds. have the train cut off the bell, left front pedal, left back pedal, grocery basket and water bottle holder. The engineers are usually nice guys who will be happy to back their trains over any parts they may have missed. it's a precise art and they are precision-ers.

fill the grocery basket with cheer and the water bottle with fabric softner or dryer sheets. it will automatically dispense. take the pedals back to your father and let him know that someone had to sacrifice their bike to get this sheet clean, thank him for being a patriot and hero to the cause. if you mention the magazines you found in the grocery basket, he'll probably skip the whole punishment phase of your relationship.

cut a hole in the front of the drawer and using the best thermometer in the house (check washing machine and dryer for a gold mine of gently used parts), push it through the hole and into the sheety part of the washer. Oh, should have mentioned, you'll need to steal someone's voice and basic brain functionality in order to have the thermometer report back to you on the sheety cleaning conditions it's experiencing.

Ate: snake the garden hose in through the window and fill up the washer.

Nine: allow to sit for a few days, it's running on a super gentle cycle and shouldn't be disturbed. just let that hose run and run and run and you'll have the cleanest sheets you've ever seen.

Note: you may find a need to wash sheets every morning due to the urinish dew your body insists on depositing in your bed during the overnight hours. not a problem, simply add the new sheet to the old sheets in your clean sheet drawer.

How does the old bread and vinegar trick work to get out old smells from wood?

2008-01-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

I did this once but I cant remember how I did it, a bowl a vinegar with a piece of bread laying in the drawer or if I soaked the bread in vinegar then put it in the drawer? Anyone know what I am trying to do?

I've often looked at my reflection in the mirror while asking myself: "what did you forget to do today thaddeus?". i never answer because my name is not thaddeus. however, i will answer you.

to start, i forgot to let my clothes soak in vinegar. i often forget to remember the simplest things. next thing you know, you're fifteen minutes late for work and this plastic bag filled with gold spray paint is dry already. now i'm four hours late for work and every time my neighbor runs his microwave, i drop to all fours and fill my drawers with something that smells much worse than vinegar.

but i digest.

now to get that smell out of your wood, pick a pack of pickled peppers from your local apothecary. dress them up like tiny ballerinas. there should be a goblin manning the register, let them sit and dance on his stool (he won't mind, he hates sitting and if i know a goblin [i do] he probably hates you as well) while you quickly pick a pack of your rearend over to the hardware store.

buy a propane torch and screwdriver. in the parking lot, melt off the handle of the screwdriver and get that metal portion pliable. don't wear any sort of gloves as the metal will be sticky. form a circle out of the screwdriver shaft, place in pocket and leg it back to the apothecary.

good, you made it. the peppers will have tired themselves out enough to be coaxed into your coat pocket. head home.

take the old wood you have in your home and place it out of doors using the drywall method (you must pass it through solid drywall in order to get it fully out of your house, not following this technique could allow ghost residue to form on your outer conundrum, that is to say your essence of being as the duke of essex.

take an axe to your pieces of wood. get them into a more manageable splinter size. you'll now need to create a dragonfly statue out of the splinters. glue is not an option.

once complete, the wingspan should be 10 to 100 feet in width. douse with vinegar and that juice that forms when horseradish sits too long and maybe some old apple juice that you left out in the sun for six months. now, begin to rub gasoline (petrol) onto the dragonfly's joints and arteries to get his juices flowing (flaming). as soon as he begins to flap his wings, set the screwdriver halo on his head and watch as he spontaneously combusts. the screams of agony may be the ghosts leaving his body but there's a good chance that you have a 1/8 acre city lot and the once not burning wings of the dragonfly had expanded through the window of a neighbor's home. don't worry, i don't think splinter mache is a crime in any city.

as said dragonfly burns, a series of runes will appear on his upper appendage. they will be written in either runes or something else you don't understand. write them down and commit them to memory using this hardly handy phonetic device:

a word is a bird is a thing.
a song is a crow is a piece of dirt in my slipper.
all dogs eat grass.
my sister spat six pennies at a penniless homeless.
soup kitchen, mister refrigerator.
i have a blood blister.
my last eyeball was a soccer dream of distant underground urinals.

now translate the runes into coptic while using an eyedropper to fill your tear ducts with vinegar. as you begin to cry, catch your vinegar tears on a piece of bread. as the bread become soggy, mush it into the dragonfly fire ash and then form it into a glove ( a little something i like to call the old vinegar and bread trick). using your carbon fiber glove, grab your tongue and recite the runes in coptic using that handy phonetic device i mentioned earlier.

i think this may be a good start.

and no, you win. i have no idea what you're trying to do.

Source(s):

a dragonfly bit that piece of skin between my thumb and forefinger about 17 years ago. he may have escaped but his ghost won't.

what r fibonacchi numbers and how do they relate to life and physics and biology--if they even do at all??

2008-01-17T02:34:00.000-05:00

Which r fibbonacchi numbers?

I'll tell you.

first let me fix your question(s).

What r fibbonacchi numbers?

Well I'd like to talk about the ones that you've been keeping wrapped in a napkin, buried in your backyard by the crooked tree that withered for some mysterious reason, the day before you dug the hole underneath. Will those r fibbonacchi numbers do?

And how?

You exasperate my diabolical facilities.

Do they relate to life and physics and biology?

It depends. By they do you mean these questions, r fibonacchi numbers, or something else entirely? I might suggest a few things you should have meant. 1) The overuse of conjunctions in modern english 2) The world object of probability created by the organism your soul inhabits on a daily basis. (Do you have the slightest concept of your true potential?) 3) Your Lynard Skynard collection.

--if they even do at all??

When faced this question I usually answer: Please recall the falderal, that you removed from Satan's wall. He will surely take it back, and leave you in want for what you lack.

Source(s): Fibonacci is my co-pilot.

Ding-Dong, there's the doorbell.

how many pesos are in an american dollar?

2008-01-17T02:14:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the side show, Bob.

There is a very easy (RE: difficult) way to determine what you're looking for. Pesos, while difficult to spot in the average American dollar, aren't impossible (sp?) to root out with the proper tools and a little bit of patience (patients) and sweet love (lovin').

First off you're going to need to get some of these good old American dollars. I would suggest possibly building some of your own out of Clorox bleach, wood chips, parts from a 1987 Firebird and some Pesos. If you aren't that ambitious, you're in the wrong game here pal. I might suggest you move down to a kinder league.

Take the Pesos and glue them together using the muffler from the Firebird. Make sure you are wearing the steering wheel around your neck and have one of the headlights shoved into your mouth, trying to make it shine with your slightly acidic saliva. (Eat some fruit before starting as some fruit does create electricity) Now, paint a firebird on your chest with a mixture of your own saliva, the Clorox bleach and leftover motor oil and other fluids found in the Firebird.

Now if you press the Pesos lightly into the wood chips, they will begin to resonate in the Violet Chakra. This is the key of B. This is how the early stone masons who founded our country (and also our shadow country in the 8th dimension) created the first great American dollar, that went on to spawn the rest of our glorious currency.

Now hold up your new dollar to the light, stare at it until you begin to see words forming inside the other words printed on the surface. If you've done this correctly they should spell out "U.S.S.R."

Now, just try and tell me the cold war is over.

Source(s): Look behind you.

Pancho & Lefty

How to watch a paper view fight online for free?

2008-01-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

Terry, I'm glad to help.

Getting paper to sit still long enough to allow you to watch it watch a fight can be a real task. I'll assume the fight is still in limbo, so let's put some bait out there for our college ruled friend.

Grab a couple of neighborhood kids (not literally) and get some real brawls going. Don't forget to put the tape in the video recorder before starting. Maybe record a couple of extra copies, get them out there and market them as "Boy Fights"? Could be a real money maker.

Unwind the cassette, and hang it from your clothes line (as for cementing that into place, see my answer to the "How can I keep my bathwater warm for more than 10 minutes" question). As the fight replays, set out some pencils or even graphite shavings to draw our papery friends out from their notebooks and mole skin journals.

Set up camp, it may take a while. Don't even consider sleeping... use heavy doses of coffee, iced coffee, silver spray paint and sleeping pills to keep yourself awake. Additional solutions include holding your eyelids open with toothpicks and painting eyes on the backs of your eyelids. I read somewhere that the Egyptians did that to cheat death.

Within a few weeks, you'll swear to everyone you meet that you once got to watch a paper view fight online FOR FREE. Not like you could put a price on it anyway.

Source(s):
I once ripped a telephone book in half for giving me the skunk eye.

Dumbledore Gay?

2008-01-08T15:25:00.000-05:00

Impossible. There were no signs in the book. its so stupid after all her books rowling comes out and says dumbledore is gay. what are your thoughts?

ANSWER:
First off, I have to say i agree with the author. Le Dore is not only gay, but also dumb. My thoughts on the matter include the following: As a child when my parents would discipline me, they would ban me to my room and close Le Dore. They said "If we even see you open that Le Dore for one moment, we'll take away your grass hopping privileges". I sure didn't want that to happen. In the workplace, when my boss called me into his office for a "disciplinary report" he would always close Le Dore, making me feel, well, inadequate.

I personally like windows better. They actually serve the same purpose as Dore's, but, you can see through them! You don't have to agree with the author that Dore's are dumb and gay, but at the very least, you must admit they are thick headed.

If you want to excuse the dumb dore's, i suggest focusing on the windows.

That's my two cents.

PS: "Dont let le dore hit you on the way out!", or "you make a better dore than you do window!"

Did you find the problem? i put nick name in looking forthose pictures.?

2008-01-07T16:31:00.000-05:00

Hi Nancy,

Number 1, I love Fort Hose. One of the nicest state parks in all of the states.

Secondly, I did find the problem. It was with your energy depletion. Let me offer a sure fire way to increase your "madman" tendencies.

Fill six water glasses with Tyrannosaurus energy. Place each at the end of your kitchen table and slowly spill them onto the floor. Watch as the energy leaves the glass and expands as broken glass onto your floor. Do this every day.

Now you may be asking, "where in the name of Hades am I going to get a T-Rex?". Well, the metal guru isn't an option anymore and neither is the mammal... or is it? I saw a movie called "Jurassic Park III" a few days ago, I guess it's the first in a three part documentary trilogy about how dinosaurs will run the screen actors guild. I loved it and loved the knowledge that dinosaurs will still exist. Since they are extinct right now, let's make our own energy:

One quart motor oil.
Six gallons of motor oil.
One million pieces of college ruled notebook paper, shredded.
Tablespoon cornstarch.
Pinch of reptile skin.
Deep voice.

Combine the first five ingredients together while using your deep voice to growl. Craft a t-rex out of this paper mache, use a jello mold if necessary. Resist the temptation to eat the t-rex sculpture.

Using a piece of metal and a bucket, "tap" into the energy reservoir of the t-rex. Fill the bucket with the energy and you now have fuel to fill your glasses.

Can Fruits Really produce electricity?

2008-01-04T01:08:00.000-05:00

If yes can you tell me what fruits can produce electricity:
Apple
Lemon
Mango
Watermelon
Grape
Banana
Orange
Strawberry
Blueberry
Pineapple
etc

I will greatly appreciate answers in my question.
Thank you and have a good day!

When I was but a child, my mother taught us this nursery rhyme. We thought it was merely a children's poem about fruit, while in reality our mother had taught us a valuable lesson: "Which fruits can really produce electricity"

The name of the nursery rhyme was even a mnemonic device for remembering what the rhyme was about "Weary Fellow Can Rest Prostrate 'Ere"

I did some research and discovered that it was written by an officer in the Amish Navy during the war of the Tickle Me Ivories, circa 1200 BC. I guess during those times the Amish still allowed electricity, but only if produced by means of produce. As you can see I've (re)produced the product of his efforts for you below. Read onward, and you will not see just how dumb the Amish of his day weren't.

"Weary Fellow Can Rest Produce 'Ere"
By: Nathanius Titanius

Apple and I push Apple and I push to produce with produce an ounce of magicians electric Apple Juice.

Lemon Tell you a tale about slicing a Lemon. You must cut it in halven, and aim it toward heaven, to keep the strong juices from ruinin' your vision.

(Sorry to interject on such beautiful verse, but I never discovered if this one meant electricity producing or not, but we have to play it safe and say no in this case)

Mango to the Lavatory and relieve your stress, a Mango is lightning all wrapped in a mess.

Watermelon with your best water boy, Me lawn is the prettiest because of hydro-electrolysis!

Grape is an ape when it comes to electrons passing through a positively charged gauge field to produce energy.

Banana always told me when charging batteries, to peel the long banana and leave the mushy in the tree.

Orange of values from negative to pos, I subtract a divison of multiplied twelves.

Strawberry, Blueberry, Boisenberry, Rasp, A handful of berries will shock your poor assp!

Pineapple is just a bastardized apple, with pine shoved inside to make sure it's not stable.

Etc fruit is really a gas sad to say, no truly it's noble you'll not lose electrons this way.

And that's it in its entirety, I know it's difficult to hold back the tears, but after you've had a chance to memorize this, and you've repeated it in your head a few hundred times you'll most likely be able to get through it orally। Share it with your children. This is the type of heritage that needs to be passed down for future generations so when the end times come they'll still be able to charge their Apple ipods and Blackberries.

P.S. I tried my darndest, but I just couldn't get my answer into your question... maybe next time!)

Source(s):

I am Nathanium Titanium in a rebirthed wooly shell.

Im looking for the name of the song they play at disneyland while they didnt the castle lighting?

2008-01-02T21:36:00.000-05:00

before the snow start falling they do the castle lighting show and i realy wanna know the name of th song they played

you came to the right place. while a number of songs are played during castle lightings, only one song is not played when castles are not lighting before snow falling.

during the late middle ages, the appearance of a unicorn drawn carriage in a donkey village at christmas meant no one would be getting electricity that night except in the castle. many mules would take exception to such a rule and not play their favorite song when the castle didn't light. a mule rule for yule, if you wule.

attending to this philosophy was the venerable Merv Griffin who would later found the US government. The US government would eventually become the Walter (Heavypants) Disney Corp, LLC. A little background before we go into this ear-say political ramblings, that is, the corn fed democracy which is to say, "I believe your presence at the Magical Castle BEFORE the snow start falling may be guilt by association".

Now you want to know a song that was played when something didn't happen. Easy enough.

Take a large radish and hide it in your neighbor's woodpile. After six weeks, dig it up and introduce yourself to the magical beanstalk which has grown inside of the radish. If you see an elf instead of a beanstalk, immediately smash the radish with one of the many logs surrounding you. As the beanstalk clears its throat and begins to speak, you will notice that you are outside. Go inside.

Place four cotton balls into each of your ears, and toss a few into your mouth for good measure. Paint a fire hydrant on a second story window using mustard and string cheese. Place your cheek firmly against the window in the middle of the fire hydrant hearing device. Listen to what it is you are not hearing, write it down without moving or hearing anything.

Look up the words you didn't write down in a dictionary, then use the dictionary to open the fire hydrant listening device. It may take three or four throws depending on the strength of your wrists, but eventually the glass will give way.

Yell down to the radish and woodpile, exactly what it is that you haven't heard and what was not in the dictionary. they will not reply, this is customary as they are laughing at you behind that menacing birch and swamp oak frown.

Find another window on the second floor. With your ears still filled with cotton balls, begin heaving books at the window until it gives way. you may need to use magazines and postcards to weigh down the lighter books.

once that window has been opened, you'll need to act fast. build a castle out of legos. construct it at 1:8 scale to replicate the disneyland/government built original. you have 17 minutes and six lego pieces to work with. be creative.

once the castle is complete, irrigate the surrounding fields (carpet) with a garden hose. soak them thoroughly as the farmers will need help, it's rice season and someone's been poisoning their crop with Febreeze DDT all afternoon. also, provide nourishment for both dragons (spot and fido, respectively) and extend the faux topiary branch of peace (should be in the corner somewhere but the queen may have had it moved into her bedroom) to them. bones (of the milkith variety) also help.

allow room for a moat to keep out peasants. i would allow for 6-7 inches of depth (we don't want to get silly here) as that should get through the deepest of floorboards in any house. fill the moat with melted chocolate and... you guessed it! A woodpile with a radish buried in it. This time, the radish will need to sit for 8 weeks and when the elf comes out, you'll need to start castle lighting show. using matches or a spare propane torch from your father's toolbox, ignite some of the dryer pieces of wood. the elf will see the castle, see the approaching blizzard and immediately run back into his radish home, to find his favorite records to not play before the snow start falling.

Source(s):
"Excused" from Disneyland 75+ times.

What is the name of the draws that hide another draw inside?

2008-01-02T01:37:00.000-05:00

for example i have a t-shirt with a skull and in the inside it has a tree house and a lot of things (here's the picture)
http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s115/...

and I want to know the name of this art because i want to search something similar for a tattoo, help will be appreciated.

I got this one!

Let's not beat around the bush here. Stand-offs are risky business. DON'T GET INTO THIS, just because you watched Lonesome Dove one too many times, it's not worth it! Trust me I should know.

If you really feel like you're ready for this, then let me give you a few pointers because you're obviously wet behind the ears, and probably a little 'yella.

Number one.

GET RID OF THAT T-SHIRT!!!!! You might think that skull looks cool, or will impress the ladies at the bordello, but you're just plumb thicker than a thickened wool / fleece blend poncho. To a trained sharp shooter, that looks just like a target boy. Get your head on straight.

Number too.

You're going to need a poncho. I recommend a wool / fleece blend. Get one with HORIZONTAL STRIPES. This will effect the air around you and give your juju a kick in the pants. Horizontal stripes will give the illusion that you're some type of ghastly spectre. If you even try to wear vertical stripes I cannot help you! And, if I hear one word about diagonal stripes, I'll just remind you what happened to Pecos "Incontinent" Bartholemew, and kick you in the grits for good measure.

Number tree.

If you are going to get a tattoo, don;t go to Art his needles'll give you lock jaw quicker than a Mexican snail with a whiskey bucket. Also, I see you like this kind um house and a lot of things. Well, I can;t say it will be the same for you, but here's my advice on what sort of tattoo to get to help with your quickdraw.

I got two names tattooed on my knuckles. You'll have to figure out what names work for you, but I decided to use 1) the name of my grade school teacher, Miss O'reilly, and then the name of the guy who took my left eye, Nully T Sanchez. Seeing as I only have 3 knuckles a hand I had to shorten them a bit. So my left hand is labeled MORE, my right hand is labeled NUTS. THis also comes in handy in a bar fight. the last thing some poor sucker sees a'fore I knock out his sweet daylights is "MORE NUTS" and that tells em who their dealing with, as in a rootin' tootin' hullabaloo who had just eaten MORE NUTS at the bar, than they had. You see the first thing I do when I walk into a certain establishment is go to the bar and down all the peanuts in the place. one bowl at a time. people never know what to think, then I punch out their daylights.

Ok so pick some names, try to make sure it has a double meaning like mine.

You'll also want to get tatto'd on your back (between your shoulder blades) a snake whistling "when the saints go marching in", wrapped around a womans leg (dismembered, but make sure it's a pretty one) with some blood still dripping off. The blood should drip into a pool of blood that is forming inside of a chalice (I recommend something really subtle, not something gaudy and ridiculous... no gems). On the chalice should be inscribed the words "Lefty Bacon is a Happy World of Limbs" This will make sense to people later when you stand on your head.

Lastly, get a nice daisy on your inner thigh.

Number flive

Let's get down to talking about quick draw, and more importantly in your case what I think you're trying to ask about which is the double-reverse, Trojan horse, keep your legs inside till you're sure their asleep, rum and dandy, kill your mammy, western two-step, bring it back around and reverse it again so it can be turned back around and reversed, then one more time back and forth, 180 degree turn, to a back side double draw within a draw.

We usually just call it the "sneaky double team with your own hand" for short.

Now boy, there is now way in Sam Hill that you are ever going to be able to learn this. But, I have learned that this is never a forum for solutions, but a forum for the precedence of the human condition, so listen up boy and get yer some culture.

I'm actually just going to call this move Nancy for simplicities sake.

You'll need to treat the move like woman to get anything accomplished anyway.

Now Nancy is a cruel mistress. The thing she requires most is a sense of sensibility, and further a flint of flexibility, we'll then learn about the scar of scalability, the box of bewilderment, the stance of the wandering minstrel , the cake, the billows and the retard.

TO gain a sense of sensibility, you'll need to find yerself a limpant pool of water, one that has been sitting in the hot sun for days, festering, growing a hive of mosquitoes and preferably has a lot of algae growing in it. Take off your clothes, rub poison ivy all over yourself and then eat it. find some berries and smoosh them to make a paste then rub the paste inside of your eyes. Jump into the pool.

You will stay here (preferably head above water) for 3 years. Eat the algae to survive. Let the mosquitoes sting you (especially in the eyes) until you're near the brink of death, then begin to catch them with your teeth. Make sure to scratch the poison ivy often so it spreads all over your body this will scar and disfigure your skin and make you look really awesome. After 3 years time get out of the pool, if all goes well you will be blind, AND you will be immune to the sting of a mosquito. Gather together an army of mosquitoes in your best jar. Name each one and kiss them before you go to sleep at night.

Now for the flint of flexibility.

You should be nice and relaxed for this.

Take a hammer, give it to your friend and tell them to bash your fingers. You'll need them to keep this up for about a week. We want your fingers pretty malleable here so just set up some kind of rotation between your friends. In the end your hands should just sort of hang from your wrists. put them in velvet bags that you tie around your neck. The dead weight of each hand should offset the other.

The scar of scalability

you should have a scar running the length of your right arm. This is the scar of scalability. touch it during a stand off and you will grow to the size of the nearest oak tree. (pray that it isn't a seedling)

The Box of bewilderment

This can be a box you construct out of any material. it will be where you put your six shooter partner so make it nice. decorate it with some sequins and felt lettering.

The Stance of the Wandering Minstrel

Stand on your head. You are now in the Stance of the Wandering Minstrel. Make sure to sing When the saints go marching in while in the stance or you'll lose your balance. Make sure to sing it in a voice like you are underwater, and you are trying not to drown.

Eat the Cake.

Compress the Billows (If you don;t know this rudimentary move in quick draw, stop wastin' my time boy)

Now for the retard. Slowly... VERY slowly, touch the scar of scalability, drop the box of bewilderment from in-between your legs down to the ground. flick your wrists twice to start your hands freely waving, and wait for your opponent to show up. Most likely they won't.

And there you have it, you've won.

Skinny wrists. Is there any exercises to build them up?

2007-12-31T12:08:00.001-05:00

My wrists are too skinny to wear a watch. Can anybody tell me effective excersice to build them up?

WOW, i see we're in serious trouble here. It looks like your wrists are too small to type exercise correctly... I just looked that up in a wrist handbook and i think you're beyond excersice help... could suggest doing a few thousand pushups but I'll do you one better, here's how to build a watch for your wrists.

Since we're working with subatomic particles, you'll need an electron microscope. Bank loan(s) should cover most of the. You may need to see someone in malaysia about selling a kidney.

Let's skip ahead and assume that you noticed "some assembly required" on each of the 67 boxes that now fill your laboratory (high school gym). So you'll need a few hours to catch up with everything but that is all factored into my fees.

Begin altering your double helix strands of DNA. I'd look for the one marked "wuss wrist", it should stand out like a sore wrist that is too puny to wear a watch. Do a "find - replace" and stick the old "watch wrist" in there. From now on, and depending on your physics skills, you'll either have a strong wrist or you won't be able to move your eyes away from your wrist. Also, I think there's a character limit, so you might have to put watwrist or something like that in there. I just tried to put "bruce willis wrist" into mine (i have big wrists but not die hard wrists) but i was limited to "bruce will".... i left it, and expect a full report... also placed "die hard" in my mortality slot. i wanted die hard with a vengence but that pesky character limit is making a mockery of fine films.

Anyhow, problem solved.

Putting certain objects in certain places for happier lifestyle?

2007-12-29T21:06:00.000-05:00

I read about this a while ago and i thought it was interesting but i cant find anything on it.

It was something like, several objects have to be in certain areas of the room for you to be happy. Like...if your trash barrel is in the financial section then you will be financially doomed...stuff like that.

Can anyone help me?

As another customer mentioned, this has to do entirely with balancing. Two begin: to finish, both must finish.

Chew on that for a minute.

I made it up with my favorite can of orange soda firmly planted near a stationary bike.

Now, I've said it before and I'll type it again here. I'm not a fan of happiness and happy lifestyles. Bobby McFerrin can't see the forest for the seas. The ocean seems unending, as does anything that stretches beyond the horizon, no?

Now, I'll still help out, because I was watching Grumpier Old Men (got the DVD for 19.99 at frontflix [a division of crubridoe]) this morning and realized that the universe may be an extension of my basic consciousness. Outside of cerebral limitations, everyone exists everywhere or I am the ground.

First of all, you need objects in certain places and they need to stay there. For heavier pieces of furniture that aren't going to listen to you when you scream "HEEL" at 4 am during a hailstorm, let me recommend cementing them into place. This would include chairs, sofas, german shepherds, floors, popsicles and chin up bars (dude never listens, i've been barking orders at his shiny stainless steel rear end for three weeks and he won't budge an inch).

Find a room and fill it with cement. Let the cement dry (6-8 inches above the original floor height should be a MINIMUM folks) and place your trash barrel into your mid section. Ram it in there with some force. Think of all those people who dare SUCCEED and WORK HARD, smash that trash barrel, look to break ribs. Remember that one guy who had a good idea and acted on it and then made money THAT YOU DON'T HAVE? yeah, this is for him. Start smashing your upper body now, and get that face into the action.

Now, let's see financial ruin even try to step into your home.

And yeah, I'll be billing you.

Source(s):
I've been selling concrete to home owners for 25 years.

chyeah bro

How to mount speakers on the wall.?

2007-12-12T17:42:00.000-05:00

guys,I have got logitech z-2300 speakers.I would like to mount them on my wall. Please tell me how can i do that as there is no hole behind these speakers,also can i place subwoofer above these speakers.

boom, we'll get this knocked out in a few days, tops.

first, and I gotta give you credit here: you noticed that the logitechs don't have a hole behind them... grab a hammer and clear about an 8" diameter of space. get down to floor level and take a peek inside the speaker, from here you can see the second problem: magnets! there is a large magnet inside, de-powering your speakers. logitech is known for this chicanery.

now, to get rid of that magnet... you can't touch them directly because your body digests a large amount of iron everyday and i don't think you want to be walking around with a speaker stuck to your head, when it's raining.

first, take a towel and place it over the magnet. next, lie face down on the towel. line your nose up with the center of the magnet. it might take you a few days but i think you know what i'm getting at here. yeah, do it.

now, to mount them on your wall. do the usual prepwork (shoot healthy horse, give to glue factory in exchange for 4 gallons of the good stuff) and coat your bedsheets with the glue. strip off your clothes and hop into bed before the glue dries. wrap yourself up into a cocoon like shape.

with the installation gear properly fitted, you're now ready to begin installation.

peel your arms away from your body. i'll give you a moment. and grab a few tons of river rock from your local riverbed. i'd suggest grabbing the largest slabs (15-20 feet across) as they "hold sound" the best.

have a contracting company escort your new shelves to your lawn.

without cutting them in any way, "fit" said river rock into your home. as your doorways expand, you'll notice your foundation will also sway and eventually give way. you may need that hammer again for the more resilient load-bearing walls.

by the time you get the river rocks into place, your home should fold in on itself (you do own a house, correct?) slide your speakers in there before the big stuff comes in (roof etc) and watch those puppies more or less install themselves.

as for the subwoofer, you really don't have a choice. it's going to have to be installed above the speakers. i think you'd have avoided asking that if you'd ever tried to move a few tons of river rock out from underneath your home.

Subwoofers, duh

Can I loose my house?

2007-12-12T12:08:00.000-05:00

I have an investment home which I can no longer maintain. I have tried renting and selling it but nothing happens. I can't afford the payments anymore. If the bank takes it, can the bank later come after me for my home even if I have homestead excemption?

This is the question I have been waiting for.

I'm not usually one to give away free advice, but I can see that you're in desperate need, so I will definitely help you out with this one.

First off, I see you have this pesky Investment home on the side that is mucking up the whole works. I also see, that you have unsuccessfully tried renting and selling it, to no avail, which basically means you have sold or rented it. So there you go, problem number one solved due to a glitch in the English language I hadn't even realized I was exploiting. (This is rather common)

If you still feel as if you haven't rented or sold your investment home, then I can give you some other ideas. You've tried renting, and selling, so lets keep on with the -ing words... Have you tried eating it? There is a french man who goes by Monsieur Mangetout who ate an entire airplane piece by piece. (don't believe me? best to google it) So, if you have a great enough desire to get rid of this thing, you'll eat it. Just give yourself some time and when all is said and done, no more investment, and something will happen (quite the opposite of the nothing you say is happening now)

O.K. now that we have the investment home out of the way either by grammatical error or consumption, lets get down to business and Loosen your current home.

This will best be done while wearing a sailors uniform.

Start by walking around the perimeter of the rooms of your house (this is for carpeted rooms only, of course) this prepares your rooms for expansion and contraction, which they will be partaking of during the respiratory sequence. You'll need to walk as close to the walls as possible preferably close to but not touching the walls. Also slam your feet toward the floor-boards (if there are no floor-boards install some prior to doing this) but DO NOT kick the floor-boards! You'll see why in a minute.

After you've completed the preliminary floor perimeter edging, you'll need to start the Expression Method. The easiest way to start the Natural process of Expression built into most homes is to Leave the house for an hour or two. Make sure to lock the door and make it difficult for you to get back into the house. The house will respond to this positively. Anyway, before you leave you'll want to turn on all of the faucets in the house. and make sure to plug those drains, you'll need a good 4 inches of water on the floors to get a good "bleed". (Aren't you glad you didn't kick the floor boards now?)

While you are out, pick up a lemon and cut it in half. Eat half, and then put half in your pocket.

Return to the house and get into the house without opening any doors or windows. (We don't want to let any of the water out) I would suggest Climbing to the roof and boring a hole in the roof somewhere. Only make the hole big enough for you to squeeze through uncomfortably.

You will now be in the main control center, or what the house likes to call its Mantacular Repository. You will need to activate its reflector nodes by pressing the "on" button. To find this, crawl into the area where the roof meets the edge of the house. You'll notice a slight gap between the house and the gutters outside, with your face pressed into the insulation reach your hand into the gutter. Feel that sludge? that is the switch you need to toggle, just squeeze it three times with your hand and your House's brain activity will jump 300%. Now let's head downstairs.

Once there you will notice that the house has started to ooze it's Natural Expression on the inner walls. The house should also almost be full of water. At this time you will move on to the Respiratory Phase.

Begin breathing the water. It will be difficult at first to let the water into your lungs, but I've heard it's very peaceful once you finally give in. You will want to jump-start your houses Respiratory Phase by drawing in as much of the water as possible into your lungs, and then then spitting it out with great force. Being 120% water you will be suprised how much water the lungs can actually hold. You should be able to fit most of the water inside your house into your lungs. Repeat this a few times to make sure the house begins it's fluctuation.

This will alert the Grand Champion of the Sea.

You should now begin calling your crustacean friends through your house's now living pipes. Tap out a question that is the answer to itself on the pipes in Morse code (I know, why would crustaceans know Morse code? you got me bub.) They should begin crawling out of your pipes within the next few days. They will know how to batten down all of the hatches and ready the cannons for firing.

Over the next few days if you watch through the windows, you will notice that you house is growing legs and arms. There is no way to speed up this process you must simply pray that they are fully grown before the Grand Champion of the Sea finds you.

Once he does, Your house will hopefully be loosened enough to stand and destroy him. If not, you'll have to restart the entire process and this time not kick the floor boards like I told you.

Source(s)

The Old Man and the Sea

Link to Answer

Some how I have a highlighted area on some of the words I see,Whats up??

2007-12-10T17:17:00.001-05:00

Finally an easy question!

I'm alright, whats up with you?

First off, head over to detox. They'll be able to take care of the whole problem with you seeing the words you say. I accidentally drank 3 half gallon jugs of kerosene last winter and had a similar experience. Instead of seeing the words I said, I saw all the words I didn't say, needless to not say I suffered from temporary blindness until I came to my senses and started speaking every thought.

In order to replicate, I'm going to take a stab at that darker area in the center of your words and say that you have ingested some office supplies in your recent past. To check, head over to work, sit down in your cube and grab a pen from your desk. Stick the pen deep into your throat until that trusty gag reflex kicks in. Empty contents into trash can.

Now, you didn't swallow that first pen did you? if so, repeat step 1 with ANOTHER pen and get the first pen out of your stomach.

Remove all of the keys from your computer's keyboard. Glue your favorites to your fingers (your thumb is not a finger), and then write the key's character onto your corresponding fingernail. This will save time later.

Attach another keyboard to your computer and using your key-fingers, type out a summary of the problems you are experiencing to take with you to detox.

Stumble into work with a couple gallons of kerosene (if you get more than 1.5 down, you've gone above and beyond) and begin drinking. You may want to start off with shots but after 20 minutes you'll be chugging the stuff just to get this over with.

You should begin seeing your words now. They will float and quiver right in front of your face almost immediately.

Be sure to continue documenting your visions with your key fingers and don't stop talking! trust me on that one, think of word tetris hell, level 74, being played LIVE. that's how bad this will be.

have a sip of antifreeze and start your cool down. if you're still at work, i'd recommend some pushups on your desk. if you're feeling ambitious, stack your computer and all office supplies on your back and try a few pushups that way.

with the blood really flowing you'll see the areas on some words will not be highlighted but the areas on some words WILL be highlighted! problem solved.

What we used to do, but we can't do anymore? Why?

2007-12-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

You bring up a lot of interesting points here and hopefully I can answer your holiday query, as there are only 19 shopping days left.

To start, I admire your "can't do" attitude, lot of positive people out there are ruining things for the frowners and cynics. I'm not a fan of smiles and I'm not a fan of Bobby McFerrin.

As for the "why" in that sentence, let me tackle this portion of the problem and drive it's smiling face into a reinforced curb.

* 2 pounds of potatoes
* 1 teaspoon of salt
* 1 cup of half and half (half milk & half cream)
* 6 sticks of butter
* Salt and pepper, to taste

Peel and quarter the potatoes using a rusty and dull knife. Drop potato pieces into garbage disposal and dispose. Rub salt into any cuts or scratches you may have sustained during the peel session. Record and release as an EP.

Place half and half into a balloon, tie off and place in your bicycle's basket. Leave it to mature in the hot sun for now, we'll get back to that ingredient shortly.

Create butter skates (attach butter sticks to your feet), and secure: cut the cords from all of the appliances in your house, and strip the rubber from the wire. Dispose of the wire and now useless appliances. melt rubber by heating it in a child's swimming pool on your stove. the pool should not be the inflatable kind (i know, i know, a no-brainer here but you neeever know) but the heavy plastic kind. the rubber will catch fire, this is normal. allow the mixture of melting rubber and plastic to cover and cake your stove. after it cools, remove 4 two foot strips (about 5 inches wide) and use as butter skate straps.

skate out to your bike. remove butter skates and rub remaining butter onto your scalp. ride in a circle on your bike for 10-12 minutes, allowing the half and half solution to mix and putridfy in the sun. untie the balloon and pour the solution onto your face.

That's what we used to do.

what's wrong with this sentence...(Mary likes to drive at knight )?

2007-12-06T00:36:00.000-05:00

Glad you are here to ask this.

Lots of sentences, wrong or right, will lead you from night to knight, my uncle would say.
To that, my aunt would say: Many complicated highways, no easy routes.

She would tell me the most lovely fantastical* story, it went like this:
One afternoon long ago, Mary Frrrrman (nee Knight) took a looong train ride to the DQ. She wanted ice cream, but ended up at the Dalmation Quarantine instead. Mary Frrrrman (nee Knight) stayed there until nightfall speaking to a beautiful mermaid named Chuck. Chuck Frrrrman.
Then, the two drove off into the knight.

I cry when I hear this.

My aunt Marey was a beutiful prrrrson.
Thank you for reviving such a touching memorey.

*fantastical in the most utmost sence of the word. Marey Knight was to fantasy as Hulk Hogan was to sheep food in a petting zoo. you know, the kind that comes out of the machine? When I was little, it was only a quarter for a whole handful. Now I think they have dibit cards for it. Imagine, having dibit cards for the sheep food just like Hulk Hogan to Mary Knight Fantasy that comes out???

crazy world.

Source(s)
101 Collections of 1001 Stories of Ultimate Knight Fantasys. Frrrman, Robert 2008

link

What are the months that are included in Fertile Crescent?

2007-12-05T12:14:00.001-05:00

Hi Lisa,

I believe you meant to ask "What are the moths that are included in THE Fertile Crescent", but I'll let that article-slip, slide.

The good thing about this question is that it's pretty easy to answer. We can take a look at the root of our existence and trace it back to a moth that existed in the fertile crescent nearly 1 billion years ago. It's been theorizing by mothologists (or mythologists as they are currently referred to) that this winged creature ruled the skies as recently as last week.

I feel that the best way to understand your reason for being would be to study this moth (the mouth moth is it's scientific name, as it does not have a mouth) in person. i've included instructions on how to catch the mouth moth. I'd recommend this process be done in mid-summer. And as a preface... you'll need to discard absolutely everything in your kitchen... pots, pans, magnets, bowls, salad shredders, bacon bits, mouse traps, moon boots, moon men, iced animal crackers. everything.

1. Walk down to your local supermarket and pick up a variety pack of dried moths. Don't worry, these little guys can go MONTHS without spoiling.

2. Remove the door from your refrigerator.

3. Collect all of the lightbulbs from your house and place in a glass mason jar. Don't forget to cut air holes in the lid. The refrigerator will now assume the position of "main light source". that's a job it was built for. the whole preservation thing is gravy.

4. Nail all of your kitchen cabinets shut.

5. Using a concoction of turpentine, the interior of four goose down pillows, purple oil paint, guano, diet pepsi (dad's root beer can be substituted in a pinch) and air - create a new skin layer on your body. this will confuse the mouth moth into believing you are night time.

6. using a tack hammer, smash a hole through each of your cabinet doors.

7. reapply night time skin, some probably fell off due to sweat secretions.

8. delicately place your lightbulbs (you did punch air holes in the lid of that mason jar, right?) one at a time, into each of your kitchen cabinets.

9. read Tolstoy's "War and Peace". it is important at this time that you stop moving. i'd have an electrical stimulator inserted into your chest to keep your heart going as needed, but let the doctors now what you're doing and they'll understand why you need to have your heart stopped. i'm assuming that if you show up at the hospital with your night time skin on, they won't bother you with questions. brain activity should already be at a minimum due to the turpentine fumes.

10. the lightbulb caverns your have created will begin to attract mouth moths and you will be able to see them in a natural habitat. moths love lightbulbs.

11. reapply night time skin.

12. as the food in your refrigerator begins to rot, spread it onto all surfaces of your kitchen using jedi mind tricks or mirrored illusions. the moths will think it's trash night and not panic. again, make sure your night time skin is heavily applied and that you are not moving a muscle.

13. that's just about it! you have now seen the fertile crescent mouth moth and you can throw those dried moths out whenever.

Grinding nightguard too tight?

2007-12-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

I have a pretty bad problem of grinding my teeth while I sleep at night. My dentist just made me a mouthguard for it (out of hard plastic that covers the top teeth). After waiting 3 weeks for the guard to arrive (after he made the mold of my teeth) he also spent half an hour with me in the his office making minor adjustments on it so that it would fit exactly right. Unfortunately, now that I've taken it home and tried it, it feels too tight in certain spots, especially the front-right canine tooth.

Will the pressure exerted on my tooth (teeth?) specifically from the mouthguard damage them, or is it supposed to fit very snugly?

Strangely,I had a dream last night while I was wearing it that my tooth kept chipping, but then I woke up and my tooth was fine.

Did you ever consider that possibly, you were dreaming about waking up from the dream where you had chipped your tooth, and possibly you are now still dreaming, thinking your tooth is not chipped, when in reality you may wake up to find that it is chipped? or you may wake up to find that the movie "Powder" had never been made, but only existed in your sub-conscious, and that the entirety of human history is merely a metaphor your brain has created trying to get rid of the guilt you still feel from being a terrible karaoke singer?

Source(s)

I also have a chipped tooth in my dreams.

Link to Answer

Ornament wearing problem?

2007-12-04T10:55:00.000-05:00

I wish to avoid gold ornaments and like to wear gold imitated ornaments as I am afraid of thieves. But if I wear imitated ornaments I shall suffer from skin allergy. How can I avoid the problem? Is there any liquid or ointment for smear in the ornament before wearing it? Please tell an easy solution?

First off, I'm going to go ahead and assume you are Coniferous, I mean you didn't mention it, but sometimes we have to assume certain things for the sake of answering a question (Besides I don't even think most Decid-ies care too much for the art, anyway, or have the capacity to)

Next, I'm afraid to say there are no easy solutions. Well, and if there are easy solutions, you know what they say, "easy solutions make for lackadaisical chlorophyll", am I right?

OK, lets get down to business. First of all, we need to deal with your fears. How much of a threat are thieves to you really? are you one of the outdoor variety? Possibly still even rooted? I'm going to assume so, in which case I can understand your anxiety. Here is what you will need to do to handle any sort of thief issue.

Have you ever observed the Dionaea muscipula? You will notice a remarkable defense mechanism in this species, and while difficult to cross breed yourself with it, it is not impossible. Here's how you will do it:

Use your Psyonic brain waves to slowly convince the humans near you to transport a regimen of Dionaea muscipulas to your softened root bed. (make sure to start releasing your softening agent weeks before you begin the hypnotizing.

The humans will pathetically bow to our will as they have for eons, and you should soon have plenty of breeding candidates.

Over the next 500 years breed with the Muscipulas each year having offspring that carry their dominant characteristics, of course never sacrificing your great heritage. Soon you will notice your offspring becoming more and more violent and capable of mandibular interaction with the thieves you fear.

Do not stop here.

Request a package of mutative formula (the liquid ointment for smear) to be delivered from the home world and be distributed over your new offspring.

Over the next 3 centuries your offspring will mutate and become ambulatory. Then, we will finally be ready for our ascension into power and can put the puny humans in their place as we originally intended.

You should be able to wear whatever kind of ornaments you want now. I might recommend some made from the bones of your first victims.

Source(s)

I am an Artificial Christmas Tree

Link to Answer

Help.. avaters?

2007-12-03T16:34:00.000-05:00

HOW DO I PUT MY AVATER THING ON THE PLACE WHERE IT SHOWS NO PHOTO ?

HEY-YOOOO. avaters are a tricky bug and the world needs a dedicated person to approach this problem and whip said avaters into submission.

Now I see you've mastered un-photographing, which is a plus (congrats) so creating a no-photo won't be a not-problem (that's a little photo-generic humor for you shutter bugs). I'll review in case we have a newbie not-reading this.

To un-photograph: purchase a basic SLR camera. I have a Nikon N70, it was only a few hundred dollars. I'd recommend buying something in the 2-3000 dollar range to maximize your results. Purchase about 10 rolls of film, some miracle whip and a jar of honey. While still in the parking lot of your local camera and hobby shop, unwind the film and attach to your car's attenna. Get home and rewind the film into their protective containers, you don't want to risk screwing up your un-photos.

Now, take two rolls of film and insert into your camera using a bonding compound of miracle whip and honey. I'd secure the camera shut (including lens cover, don't want any dust mites sneaking into a shot and ruining everything) using extra honey. In fact, just drop the camera into a large tub of honey and let it sit over night. While you're waiting, go buy some more honey, you're going to need it.

When the honey soaking is complete, attempt to push down the shutter release button. Once it "gives up", you have successfully un-photographed nothing. YAY!

Now, to get some avaters on film. First off, fill your shoes with honey. Walk to your nearest national park in honey shoes and wait for autumn. (pssst... bring a blanket!) apply honey as needed to your shoes and back.

as autumn approaches, prepare for the season by collecting pumpkins and any other odd shaped gourds, corn stalks and jade talismans. cut a hole in the bottom of a large pumpkin and place on your head (leave seeds in to attract avater). stuff your shirt with the dry corn stalks and carry the gourds with you as protective ammunition. don't forget the camera LOL!

the avater should make an appearance near your home (trying to sneak into your unused bed) so feel free to stumble around your neighborhood with your avater-clothing on. when's the last time you applied honey to your back/shoes? Get a dose of that on, quick!

You'll hear the shouts of an avater in no time, it will probably sound like a police siren as their voices mimic the creatures found in the depths of the hottest deserts. get those jade talismans on your body and girate in a non-elvis way to hypnotize the avater... should they continue to yell (probably in english now) about "getting on the ground" or "drop the gourds" or "drop the weapon" then you'll need to make use of the gourd ammo. Aim for their non-voices. Once that beating commences, start snapping pictures and get yourself that unphotograph! with your help, it will soon be in the place where it shows no photo. i'll be honest, there are a lot of doubters our there, so make me proud!

Source(s):
taught un-photographery at crybridge university 2009-1987.

what kind does the plant need to survive?

2007-11-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

i need them with molecules and variables

Emily,

First and foremost, I think we've all heard the old addage "it takes all kinds" Well, I'm here to tell you that this pertains in your situation.

Plants take all kinds,, but your specific quandry deals with the kind they need to survive. To answer this we must first decide if the plant is anterior or posterior.

Please make your observations now.

Done? Good. OK so since the plant is anterior, you will need to reach around it, and find the biologic dongle. You will know you have found it when you hear a series of whizzing sounds. Now with a firm grip on the dongle shake the plant until it is lying perpendicular.

Now, you will be standing on the plant.

Kick it, and then eat it.

Done? Good. OK hopefully you did not eat the sub-cutaneous leaf pestules, if so you will have to expulse them from your body. (why would you eat them anyway?)

ok expulse the pestules and then put them back in the case.

The case will explode. Take the exploded case and eat it.

Now lay down on top of an overhead projector. Put your mouth on the lens encompassing the lens wholly thus.

Like so.

Now you will have multiple copies of the plant which will attack you. You must let them defeat you. Please, deliver this message to the plant General "Zembod says hello." After spending a few years getting to know the battle-field you will be an expert spy in the plant army. Get close to an officers wife, until she tells you things in confidence. Sell these secrets to the enemy to fund your wormhole research.

Build the wormhole, jump through, don't look at your surroundings or you will go blind, just perform the third act of Rogers and Hammerstein's "Carnival" in it's entirety, and then jump back through.

You will become effervescent light. Shine upon your past self, and then give yourself a sunburn. You are now the penultimate being.

Oh yeah you needed Molecules and Variables. Just go find some, I can't help you with everything.

Link to Answer

Does running everday unhealthy and does it make you *** bigger?

2007-11-29T17:37:00.000-05:00

just a wierd question. what are the benefits of jogging everyday?

Mrs. Peacock.

I am having a hard time understanding your follow up question, but I think I'm game for answering the first one. However I pose that I answer your question with an equally important question.

Do pressing alltimes precocious and do it build you ^^^ exponentially?

If you can answer that you are well on your way to having a bigger ***.

Which is stronger: black or red ants?

2007-11-29T10:02:00.000-05:00

something i've been wondering for years. i can't answer for you, but i can provide all the information you need to figure it out.

first of all, head over to your local sams club or costco. you'll need to purchase 20, 50 lb bags of sugar. also, if i were you, i'd cash in on that new floda promotion: "buy six, go home with six"
can't beat that... six bottles of floda? pretty good deal. actually, you need to get the floda as well. get the floda and get the sugar.

go home and strip the siding off of your house.

next, coat the exterior walls of your home with layers of the following materials in this order: one layer of dry wall, one layer of cotton candy, one layer of concrete, one layer of club sandwiches and two layers of pudding. you'll notice that we are going to reward the ants as they tunnel into your sugar shack. first they're enticed by the pudding, then they find club sandwiches?!?!? wow, now they'll make a few phone calls and get all their ant buddies over to help dig... gotta see what's behind the concrete and HELLO, that's some cotton candy (a taste of the sugars to come)... after all this tunneling, the ants will be incredibly strong and we may even lose a few soldiers along the way but it's all part of the process.

now, while the ants are tunneling their way into your house, you need to have something to greet them with: remember that sugar you just purchased? time to spread that out, evenly, all over your floors. cover with floda and allow to dry. you've just created a great "strong ant" hangout. sorta like the muscle beach of ant life.

at this point you can sit back and relax, the toughest ants will be setting up shop in no time.

How do I get a cork out of my rear?

2007-11-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

How do I get a cork out of my rear?

I fell on a wine bottle, it went up my butt.(it hurt this is not funny) Now the cork is stuck up there. What do I do?

Answer

I see you are in quite a predicament. As this could become potentially harmful if not taken care of soon, I will type swiftly.

First things first. In order to remove something we must first understand it. Let's get started.

The word CORK originated from the Latin Quercus, which means any method of searching for oil based on a limited knowledge of wildcats. Quercus, or modern day Cork, is mainly harvested from the year 1965 when conditions for developing a kind of super-cork were at a 100 year peak. Let's hope the bottle containing the cork you fell on is NOT from the year 1965. If this is the case, it will be discussed later.

Now that we are familiar with Cork, let us put the fact that you fell on the bottle "behind" us, and get to the removal process.

Material List:
1 Wine glass
1 Uncoated Corrugated Cardboard box
3 dead watch batteries
1 copy of An Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook ( this is VERY IMPORTANT, THIS PROCESS WILL NOT WORK IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS BOOK!)
and 1 8oz bottle of whiteout.

First, break off the top 5 inches of the wine bottle, Take the bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. No reason to waste good wine right?

Now take the remaining bottle with your left hand, the whiteout with your right hand and the three dead watch batteries with you daft hand and set the bottle on the cardboard box. Begin covering the label of the bottle with white out until it's ridiculing stares are covered by layer after layer of liquid white justice.

While it dries to a snowy white sheen we can start on step two. Take the Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook and begin reading it furiously out loud. This step works particularly well if you are in a heavily trafficked area, such as a shopping mall, or Germany. In any case, it is a well known fact that Cork is allergic to Probability and Random Processes. It will begin to work loose, you will feel it losing its grip, desperately trying to deny the absolute truth of Probability and Random Processes. Unless, it is super-cork from 1965. Oh no? Is it? We forgot to look at that darn label before layering its filthy glares with 8 ounces of white out!

Ok, go back to the freshly coated, extremely white broken half empty wine bottle. Carefully scratch back layer after layer with the dead watch batteries until you see the date. Once the date is seen, all should be well.

Hope this helps!!!

Regards.

Link to question

What is this lump on my kitty's ear?

2007-11-27T01:50:00.001-05:00

My kitty has a lump on her ear. It is quite big, and I just noticed it last night. It is not hard, it feels soft, like there is liquid or something inside it. She is an indoor kitty so I don't know what it could be. My grand-daughter said it may just have to be lanced by my vet, but I don't want her to be traumatized. What could this lump be and how can I help my beloved kitty?

Martha,

Thank you so much for your question. Kitties are an important part of everyone's lives and need to be treated with a numinous respect.

This lump on your kitties ear is it an off white color with some other-colored spots on it? Yes? Well, in this case this lump is most likely your kitties' life-essence. While difficult to remove, it is not impossible, and I think I'll be able to talk you through it.

First gather together the following items.

a monkey wrench
2 inflatable water wings
a Menorah made from reinforced steel
a Michael Jackson style "glitter glove" or equivalent
a stick of anti-perspirant
a miniature tape recorder

a long laundry list I know, however you should have these items laying around the house.

OK I'm going to jump right into this because I'm not sure how much time we have here.

First, inflate the water wings. Blow them to full capacity and more if possible. this should give a nice firm resistance from a well placed clinch between the index and dorsal fingers. now flip the water wings upside down, and shove one onto your cats front legs and on onto the back legs. This will accomplish 2 things. Your cat will not be able to scratch you when you tighten the monkey wrench onto it's tongue, and it will elevate the cat off the ground a bit, unless your cat has exceptionally long legs (in this case wear suspenders).

Next, tighten the monkey wrench down onto your cats extended tongue. You'll be toggling this later to get the most clear air expulsion from deep within the kitties' lungs.

Wearing the "glitter glove" light the candles of the menorah. have a helper hold the cat's belly over the flames. just close enough to notice the cat becoming uncomfortable. We don;t want to burn the poor dear, just get their life-essence "talking".

Now you will have to take the anti-perspirant and begin applying it to the cats face all the way down the spine. You'll want a thick coating, enough to mat down the hair.

As you notice the anti-perspirant begin to melt (your cat will begin to sweat what we call it's injected nebular onto it's epidermis) you will be able to begin toggling the tongue expressant, to get some good "talking" out of the cat's life essence.

Here is where you will want to start the tape.

Record at least 4 and half hours of the "talking"

Next you must take this tape to someone knowledgeable in recording tapes to backwards tapes. what is happening here is you are essentially recording your cat's backwards life essence backwards in reverse therefore giving you a full sized tape of the same sounds your recorded, only with all of the room-noise removed.

Take the tape back to your cat and play it back in reverse. You will hear some very strange sounds, in fact it will sound a lot like human voices.. If you listen closely you will be able to make out some special life lessons and songs that your cat wants to share with you.

Upon completion of the tape, your cats life essence will have canceled itself out, rendering the lump invisible (only still visible in the 6th dimension) and your cat deceased.

Hope you get that lump taken care of, do it soon or your cat won;t make it much longer.

Link to the Answer

Unless a sign prohibits it, when else can you make a "U" turn?

2007-11-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

Candice,

I'm almost certain that the only time you can make a U-turn is when there is a sign prohibiting you to do so, however let me dig into the archives of my "Traffic Law Quarterly" Magazine and see if we can't not find some other examples of when you might not or to be able to make a U-turn.

Issue #7 is one of my favorites. Do you have that one? It's the one with the Intersection of 4th and Main in the quaint Irish village of Din Doogan on the cover. You know the one where the sheep are stopping traffic? I must've laughed for an hour or so when I first saw that on on the stands I can tell you.

Anyway open this issue to page 13, not the 2 page spread right before, but flip one more page and you'll see what is a truly under-appreciated gem of an article by Mrs. Eddie Rippers. She says that in ancient times U-turns were allowed on certain days as set forth by the position of the sun in the sky. We can only take this to mean that you can make a U-turn during a lunar eclipse or if you were in a chariot race in which you had no other choice. I also found a related article in Vol 3. Issue number 27 (I believe this one is titled "Are cars the Bicycles of the future?") In this issue a brilliant scientist by the name of Vasselspridz, using the ancient theory of sun based U-turns, gives in structions on constructing a device that you can mount to the hood of your car. It will monitor the suns Audio signals and beam to your radio a voice telling you when it is appropriate to make a U-Turn, I believe the actor Cory Feldman lent his voice talent to the recording.

Here is a quick rundown of the instructions, which should suffice for you to build your own U-Turn indicator:

1) Gather together a set of Chinette Paper / Cardboard Plates and glue them accross the hood of your vehicle. You will want them to form the shape of something special from your past, most likely an old boyfriends face, or your high school building.

2) Buy 3 Gallons of fresh Lactose Free Milk. It has to be lactose free to keep from interfering with the cosine waves of the suns energy. Pour 2 of the gallons onto the plates. Drink the other gallon as quickly as possible (you will need to restock the indicator this way each time you drive your car).

3) Shave an animal you keep as a pet. this can be a bird as well, just try to shave it with the most dull razor you can find. Also, you can shave some larger bugs, or even a worm if they have any hair. I would not shave a human, but it is acceptable. Gather the hairs together and sprinkle them generously over the milk-filled plates and yourself. if you have any left, shove them into your own ears as bait for the signals. Signals love to eat shaved hair.

4) The final ingredient for your indicator is the wiring, I can;t go into too much detail here, but it's not complicated. Get some wire or if you don;t have any very wide aluminum foil twisted into a conduction tube. these wires will need to run from each of your plates to the antennae coupling located inside your cars dashboard. Consult your cars manual for precise details.

Anyway, now that you've got your ride decked out with the latest U-turn indicator, take it for a drive, Cory Feldman will tell you when the time is right.

Hope this helps!

email me if you need anything else!

ip0wntehstreetz@frontflix.glov

Source(s)

I own every Issue of Traffic Law Quarterly

Link to the Answer

Do you think christmas is to commercialize do you think is for the?

2007-11-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

Dearest Lenneth,

Let me answer your question with a question.

Do you tell people when their capsize to be angry at an? feel everything with a deeper can no time, no how, and then you'll think you can truly remember it and if you think that is too late then when?

Bonus Material (Know Your Source)

I exist by absorbing the energy of old television series, now on Betamax Tapes.

Link to Answer

How to take off door knobs with no screw holes, plates or rectangular pins???

2007-11-26T23:10:00.000-05:00

older knobs, brass finish, don't want to pry off and risk damage too doors:

tricky problem.

first things first, collect all of the fine china in the house. while holding the gilded edge out, thumb pointed in and your face making a pout, bring china pieces down at a 45 degree angle, making direct contact with the door knob. this will loosen your door knob and make the next two steps that much easier.

eat a half dozen potato chips over the sink and allow the crumbs to fall into the garbage disposal. this will annoy your door knob and encourage it to give up it's karet energy. that is: energy it has stored within its many faceted, smoothly rounded face.

take a large, powerful drill and using a bit of at least 1" in diameter, make 3 holes around the door knob, as far apart as possible from one another.

grab a tiling trowel and biscuit mix (cornbread is my favorite), add water to biscuit mix (you can create this on the floor, use sawdust as flour) and insert into mouth DO NOT SWALLOW. with this mixture in your mouth, place your mouth on the door knob, teeth touching the metal portion. lift the tiling trowel over your head and bring it down with a firm motion onto the crown of your skull. you may lose a few teeth but the biscuit mixture is there for a reason. i've never swallowed a tooth while removing doorknobs this way. repeat until doorknob loosens.

Blood stain on my towel??

2007-11-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

my towel has likea blood stain... (but im not sure if that is a stain that just won't come off) and i used to dry myself...i asked if my bro used it and he said no....i guess i blowed my nose on it? would a blood stain come off? will i get infected... rubbing the towel on my body? since i used it to dry myself....im pretty sure that blood came off my nose

hi veronica, another great question for this forum and i can't wait to help out. first off, i too used to dry myself. after 24 years of it, i'd had enough. for the past 7 months, i've steered clear of any cotton or absorbant materials for 6-7 hours after showering. i'd recommend doing the same - HUGE stress saver. i hate water and i hate wet things.

now to see whether or not you've blowed your nose, please gather the following materials:
an odometer
pack of juicyfruit
white towel
half cup of ground black pepper
pepper spray (co2 container)
hose

visit your local high school track, leave odometer in car but bring the rest of the materials with you. while running at full speed, unwrap every piece of gum in the pack and place them in your mouth, chew until your jaw begins to lock up or the shin splints force you to stop running. place the wad of gum up your right nostril. take the ground black pepper and snort it up your left nostril, as you begin to sneeze, spray yourself directly in the face with the pepper spray. this will deactivate the sneezing particles in the pepper and release them back into the air or in this instance, "your air passage way" or "your lungs/every pore in the upper half of your torso".

grab the towel and sneeze into it until the gum shoots out and is captured. check for fillings then discard. you have now blowed your nose. be sure to throw away the towel before it accidentally dries any of the liquid h2o particles. drive home.

now for the tricky part... would a blood stain come off? great question. first, throw away all cotton materials in your home. have the water shut off and dispose of all liquids.

grab steak marinade, a monkey wrench and a lemon.

extract the lemon juice without penetrating the fruit's rind. take the monkey wrench and mash your left pinky finger.

still got any pepper spray left? good. give yourself a dose of that, square in the eyes. hit your bro with an open stream from that knowledge beacon as well. try not to blowed your nose on anything and rub the steak marinade underneath your eyelids as soon as the pepper spray runs out. this will help determine whether or not you will get infected from towel blood. to be honest, i'm not so sure about your bro. guy sounds seedy at best.

hope this cleared everything up.

Hi my arm hurts and clicks very loud every time i lift twist or turn it round?

2007-11-26T17:30:00.000-05:00

its right in the middle between my elbow and shoulderblade i have had it 4 months now tryed to rest it with no luck anyone any ideas or be albe to hlp many thanks vince!

Good question. Since it's only been four months, i'm not totally sure how much advice i can provide but i'll give it a shot.

so i'm guessing that when you say you "tryed to rest it with no luck", you meant you were lifting no more than 100 lbs. at a time. that's a decent bench press but i think you need to really bulk up and get that arm healthy again. start a strict regime of 50 star jumps, 100 one-handed pushups with your "girl arm" and 100 sets of 10 curls each, using 35 lb barbells.

follow those warm up exercises for a few months. then invite a a neighbor or close friend to smash you with a barbell weighing at least 25 pounds. have him hit you in the exact spot it "hurts". this will help in loudening the click (which is probably just your bones whining about the pain) and making a diagnosis that much easier.

should your shoulderblade (not totally sure what part of the body that is) collapse and pierce an internal organ, you should have a seat. i've got some bad news: your body is a failure. no problem: i can help.

grab the following: a cat, peeled orange, one of those old televisions with the crazy knobs on the front, a box of baking soda

couldn't help but notice that you used your "girl arm" on a few of those things. if this clicking is really a problem, i don't think you should be messing around.

alright: now the tests are over. let's get serious about the click.

you'll need that peeled orange you girled earlier. peel it again and eat the peel. rub the fruit onto your good shoulder using your girl arm.

that should hurt.

if it doesn't, you're cured.

if it does, gather the following:

skip-it (pink)
tape recorder and microphone
2 blank cassettes
gallon jug of apple cider
beach sand shovel (pink)
moustache
magnifying glass
gramophone

stand in the middle of your yard around dusk and start spinning your girl arm in a circle with the skip-it around your wrist. try to beat my leg (man leg) record of 148. the clicking should pick up considerably or it could be the crickets.

with your good arm, place one blank cassette into the tape recorder and press record. have your neighbor hold the microphone up to your shoulderblade and record the sounds coming from it along with a soothing background of cricket noise.

drop the skip-it and unwind the other cassette tape by spinning it over your head with your girl arm. this will create a funny noise and when the tape is about half way unwound, allow it to hit your neighbor in the face. barbell should be nearby for his use.

use the pink sand shovel to open the apple cider. drink it.

have your neighbor place the funnel end of the gramophone against your shoulderblade and again record the clicking sound of the crickets. use the magnifying glass to study the cassette tape for any discrepancies.

now you will notice that most crickets sound very similar. however, certain breeds have a distinct clicking sound. you may be able to pick that up on your cassette tape.

How to wash motor oil off hands?

2007-11-26T16:19:00.000-05:00

I was doing some work on my bike and I came in contact with the oil. I tried bar soap and water but some oil is still stuck on.

Mikee! good to hear from you again. Now i've gone weeks with motor oil on my hands and if ever an expert in this field has been born, well...

First things first. You'll want to get some motor oil. I'd suggest lubing up the ole schwinn, get the tires coated, chain of course, handlebars and DON'T FORGET THE SEAT! i like a smooth riding banana seat when i'm pedaling to and fro the local dinner theater. Use your hands and make sure you have a nice oil base worked into your skin before you start on the bike.

Now that you have your hands completely filthy, follow that urge and rub a little into your hair. You know what, just go elbow deep in the stuff. Leave a little for the bike, but really get nice and slimy. Forearms completely covered? Good, here's a history lesson: you've just discovered the origin of elbow grease.

Okay, so the bike's riding a liiiiittle bit squeaky. I'd guess you have a bum chain. Start with a half gallon but don't be afraid to use two or three liters of the good stuff. Now's not the time to get cheap, not with your bike at stake.

Squeak should be taken care of. Be sure you stay away from any sort of lube guns, grease guns, knick-knacks, paddy-whacks, etc. those devices are going to make this whole process much easier and the last thing you want to do is give those raving liberals with their left-leaning agendas, something to talk about back at their dope smoking communes.

Next: start working on the kick stand. i've recommended removing them in the past (useless product, weighs you down and creates huge wind drag) but a great alternative is to make them ineffective. start by soaking your forearms in a bathtub of oil. let them sit overnight if necessary. you should begin to feel nauseated and possibly pass out due to the toxins entering your blood. steady yourself by holding onto the pink handlebar streamers, use your hands to wipe the "wuss" from your eyes and get to work on that kick stand.

make sure the joint of the kick stand has been rendered completely useless. it should be so coated with oil (reapply to hands and arms NOW) that you are unable to properly sturdy your bicycle with it.

guess what? Bike's fixed!

now to fix that motor oil problem. first of all, grab an egg from the fridge. first dozen or so tries might be tricky but someone should come along and clean up that yoke at some point. what are floors for anyway? smash the eggs against your ears and then collect the following ingredients from your home.

1. grass clippings (20 gallon trash bag full)
2. motor oil (grab another 2 or 3 liters of the good stuff)
3. something with amethyst in it. wife's earrings, family heirloom, anything
4. porcelain banana tree
5. spice rack (dump out spices before using)

arrange pieces 2-5 around you then take the grass clippings and spread out in an even 4-5 inch layer around your living room. let them sit.

open the motor oil and rub it into your hands and arms, using generous portions. this is the good stuff, so it won't hurt you.

once you've awoken from your six day, oil induced slumber, you should have a bit of a mold problem, what with all that dead grass decaying in your living room. the smell will be an eye-opener and you'll quickly forget what it was like to have functioning leg muscles.

use the amethyst gem in a non-traditional way : make it into a scrying mirror! this will allow you to look into the past or future and see how other civilizations have washed off motor oil. luckily, you will find your answer and have plenty of oil to clean up! so if the first solution works, you can still try other suggestions to clean the motor oil off of your arms, elbows, scalp and marionettes. scramble for that banana tree and establish some balance of reality again. familiar objects help with this when you're dealing with severe blood poisoning.

finally, fill the containers of that spice rack with the grass clippings. creating new spices and cleaning up the living room in a single act! congrats!

How do I replace a manger with a new one?

2007-11-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

How do I replace a manger with a new one? what are the exact steps? (Posted to Fantasy Sports)

My Response:

I am so glad you asked this question!

However, This is something that requires, tenacity, stick-to-it-ive-ness, and maybe a ball of radioactive goo. DO NOT get involved in replacing a manger if you won't be able to see it through. It does both you, the manger and the original subject of the manger a huge injustice, and is quite possibly an unpardonable sin.

Lets get down to this though shall we?

Step 1) First decide if your entire Manger needs replacing or if just certain pieces can be swapped.

- now for this step I'm going to assume in your question that when you say Manger, you're referring to the entire scene with figures included. (if you simply need to replace a building I think maybe you need to try answers.homedepot.com ) but I'll proceed as if you mean the whole scene figures included. I mean no serious Manger Manager would refer to it any other way.

Anyway as you look over the individual pieces of your set, please take in to account that there are some plastic models ( the 1997 Sears model, and the 2002 Black and Decker spring to mind) that have a bad habit of splitting down the seams, especially the lighted baby Jesus figure, 2 of the 3 wise men, and the Dung Pile (only on the deluxe model) simply consult your Manger Manager Manual (3M) and compare your pieces decay rate to the photos included in the Manual, it gives you a nice visual scale for all sorts of physical decay like a) Bird Poop Accumulation b) Acid Rain and c) Homeless Person Urine. I would say if any of your pieces rank in the mid to high 4's you'll probably want to think about replacing them.

Step 2) Determine whether the Manger Scene belongs to you or not.

I know, I know it sounds silly. You would think that everyone was taking good care of their Manger Scenes as well as we like to, however, you'd be surprised that a lot of people take little to no care of them. THIS INCLUDES CITIES and TOWNSHIPS (SHAME ON YOU!) So, we can be somewhat of a vigilante force if you will, and help other people take good care of their Mangers as well. here are some things I like to do to help out.

a) Inspect others scenes and remove pieces that I think need replacing - Now you'll have to put a placeholder in until you get the replacement part or the owners might get upset. This is where I will often use my kids stuffed animals, or in some cases if say it were a life sized waxed figure of Joseph say, or an angel, I will dress sin costume and fill the spot myself. This way you can also sing Christmas music to anyone passing by to give them the impression that it is coming from the Manger Scene itself.

b) if a Scene you view in another persons yard is beyond repair it is your duty to inform the owner that it is not a right to own a manger scene and that allowing them to decay past a low 3 is an unpardonable sin, that they will most likely burn in Hell if you don't set fire to their Manger scene, then set fire to their Manger scene. it will save both of your eternal souls.

Step 3) This one is going to sound a little weird, but I want you to remove the pieces that you find unfit, and I want you to talk to them. Tell them that they are ok and then kiss them a little bit. I'll let you decide what is ok, and what is "creepy" but I've been known to spend a few hours with each piece. This will prepare them for the afterlife. Then you must chop them into little pieces no larger than your thumb, or if your hands are large your neighbors thumb.

Step 4) order your new Manger pieces direct from your one stop Manger Shopping Source.

www.mangerreplacementparts.glov

Step 5) Have a Merry Christmas!

I hope this helps you out, We at the Manger Manager Association would love to hear how everything goes for you this year, if you haven't registered with us yet, please do it today, just google "Manger MANAGER Association - The place where we treat fake scenes of the Saviors birth as if they weren't fake" it should come right up.

Merry Xmas!!! (huffaw)

Link

Can Anyone Tell Me A Good Program?

2007-11-21T11:54:00.000-05:00

Can anyone tell me a good program to place effects on my pictures?
A free trial download...PLEASE.

6 minutes ago
- 3 days left to answer.

My Response:
There's so many programs out there for stuff like this. Its really hard to pinpoint just ONE. Depending on your level of involvement, a local Alcoholics Anonymous Program or Drug Addicts Anonymous Program would probably help. You won't have to worry about a free trial, I'm pretty sure all the programs are free to anyone, and you won't have to download any literature. Best of luck to you and your pictures!

(link to question: Linky